It is no secret that sleep has been a real struggle in our house. From Bitzy’s first days until now, sleep just doesn’t come easily. In fact, the days of sleep training her I still recount as some of the hardest days/nights of my life. Something about watching your 9 month old scream for hours every night for a solid month has left scars. Just on me mind you. She’s the happiest little thing, sleeping 12-13 straight every night. Naptime, on the other hand, is a constant struggle. One day she’ll sleep for 3 hours and the next day she will play in her crib and not nap at all. Which is fine with me except for the fact that at 5:00pm she completely melts down, begins running into the walls and becomes completely delirious due to exhaustion. So, we end up putting her to sleep at 6:00pm rather than 7:00pm.

Sleep? It’s tough stuff.

And Brother? He’s getting better. Those dang teeth have given us fits, but for the past week he’s been sleeping from 6:00pm-12:00am (then I feed) and then from 12:00am-6:00am. I consider that amazing. Especially considering we really haven’t done major sleep training with him.

You see, he’s just an easy baby. Or maybe Bitzy is just super high maintenance? Either way, sleep around here is coveted and much appreciated.

That leads me to a scene that has literally never ever happened in this house. We have a motto around here. Never, ever, ever wake a sleeping baby. Not ever.

So here’s the story:

It was 12:00am last night and I was nursing Brother. With his eyes closed he suckled as the moon glistened on his cheek. It was like something out of a movie. He is just so dang beautiful. And he smells delicious. As I traced the outline of his face I was so moved by love for him. So amazed at the blessing of this baby.

Then, my mind wandered to my sleeping Bitzy in the room next door. “Is she really 2 years old?” I wondered. It seems like she was just a baby, just like Brother. I vividly remember when her tiny body wrapped around me as I nursed her to sleep when she was only 8 months old.

And then, I did the unthinkable.

When I laid Brother down and walked out, I opened the door to my Bitzy’s room. I looked over her crib and whispered, “I love you baby girl.” She immediately woke up obviously. She probably thought she was dreaming because I have never, ever entered her room in the middle of the night. Sure, I stalk her video monitor, but I never go in there.

She got up and said, “Oh Mama, I love you too, so much.”

I picked her up and rocked her. She clung to me in the wee hours of the night and I smelled her hair and neck and recounted the zillion ways that she enlists me to love her.

I remembered her as a tiny baby and tried to memorize every detail of her face. I don’t want to look back in a few years and not remember her as a 2 year old. I want to memorize her every detail. To burn it into my heart and memory and tell her someday all the ways that I have loved her at every age and stage. To remind her that I have loved her completely. Always. Forever.

I cannot promise that this will not happen again. There is something magical about holding a sleeping toddler that is rousing, playful and wild during the day, but at night is limp with sleep and snuggles up closely for protection and love.

In fact, maybe I will again tonight.

Yes, please.

Happy Valentines Day my friends!

Now that I’ve got a very crafty toddler we’ve been talking a lot about Valentines Day and cutting out zillions of heart (to later tear apart, dip into water and to destroy), coloring hearts and reading lots-o-books about this blessed day of love.

What my little Bitzy Boo doesn’t know is that I’ve got quite a bit of sugar planned for her tiny future. You see, while I’m not AS psycho as I once was about her eating sugar, I’m still a little nuts, so treats in general are a real rarity around here (well, for her anyway. I cannot confirm or deny having icing stashed all over the house for my eating pleasure).

But tonight, oh tonight. We will feast on PINK!

The pink cupcakes are made and ready with 4 different varieties of sprinkles, and clearly strawberry icing awaits as well.

I also made a new deliciously easy batch of cookies and I would love to share the recipe.

This recipe is from way back when my friend Bethany and I first moved to Louisville. We ate these…um…a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. They are SO GOOD- and so very easy. Here it goes.

The ingredients:

One box of cake mix (any kind will do)

2 eggs

1/2 cup oil

1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

food coloring is optional

Do not read the directions on the back of the cake mix…do this instead- Mix together the cake mix, eggs, oil and baking powder. Mixture will be thick. Then, if you want add food coloring. I wanted purple cookies so just like my Kindergarten teacher Miss Patsy taught me, I added red and blue together. Easy Peasy.

Then, roll into round balls and cook at 350 degrees for 8 minutes.

They will look something like this:

Then, decorate however you’d like. Bethany and I used strawberry cake mix with strawberry icing a lot, or lemon cake mix with lemon icing. Amazing. Also, this receipe makes KILLER chocolate chip cookies using a Yellow cake mix with chocolate chips. Check it out!

Here’s the finished product!

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

In an effort to ignore my dirty floors I’m feeling very reflective this Monday morning.

My Bitzy is at her Lolly’s, my baby boy is sleeping soundly and the sun is pouring in through our big beautiful windows. What a perfect way to begin the week.

This weekend we laid low and stuck around the house mostly. Those are the best weekends if you ask me. The ones where memories are made with crafts, playing pretend and snuggles.

In the midst of our beautifully boring weekend there were many tickle sessions. My babies? They love to be tickled. And Zach and I know the very best tickle spots.

That’s the crazy thing about being a parent. We know our babies inside out. We know the tickle spots that will make them chuckle, also the ones that will made them roar with laughter. They have different levels of ticklishness. Have you ever thought about that? That is a very intimate detail about a person. There are friends I have had for years that I have absolutely no idea where they are ticklish. But my babies? I know every last one. I know their favorite foods, toys and how to instantly make them feel better when they have a boo-boo.

I know them. Like, really know them, better than anyone.

I remember being a bratty teenager and my Mama once saying, “I know you better than anyone.” I’m sure that I rolled my eyes and stomped away like the brat that I was, but it’s true. She does. There is something about sharing life together that is so intimate, something that you can’t really put into words. Knowing someone so completely and understanding them is such a gift.

That said, if I know my babies so well and can read them so completely, how much more does God know us?

Luke 12:7 says, “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”

That’s right. God knows how many hairs are on our head. He knows our tickle spots too. And our tears and our sleep patterns and every single cell in our body. He made them after all.

He knit us together in our Mother’s womb (Psalm 139). He loves us with an eternal love (Jeremiah 31:3). He delights and finds joy in us (Zephaniah 3:17). He has counted our tears (Psalm 56:8).

I think that as people we all want to be known. We want to belong to someone, to be important and loved. I know that I do. It gives great pleasure to know that I am loved so completely by my family.

But more so, the greatest gift is being known and loved by my Creator. To grasp that the Creator of the whole wide world loves me. He loves me with all my ugly imperfections. He still loves me the most, more than I could ever imagine.

Of course He does. He’s my Daddy.

And He’s your Daddy too.

That truth can change your life.

The truth that God not only loves you, but knows you inside out.

That beautiful, amazing truth can give peace for the restless, hope for the hopeless, joy for the weary and love for the lonely.

That truth, can change the world.

My prayer for us all is to feel that love today in a very real and intimate way.

“Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; We are His people.” Psalm 100:3.

Amen and Amen.

Last night, around 3:00am, Zach let out a loud yell. Not so much a scream, but more of holler as they say.

It woke me up obviously. I’m not accustomed to my darling Zach yelling in the middle the night (a certain baby boy on the monitor I’m very familiar with however- ahem).

So I roll over and shook him awake.

Me: “Are you okay? You just yelled.”

Zach: “Oh, that was just my battle cry.”

Me: “Your battle cry?”

Zach: “Yes, I’m a warrior.”

And at that he drifted back into a deep sleep.

Can I just say that I love my husband?

I love that he dreams about being a warrior. I love that he has a battle cry. I love that he is a man.

A real man.

I love that he can fix most anything and that he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.

I love that he is willing to fight for our family.

I love that I can ask him to draw a flower, grow a flower or buy me flowers and that he can and will do all three.

I love that he makes me proud to be his wife.

I love that he is stronger than an ox.

I love that he is a man of courage, honor and integrity.

I love that he loves me and can show me that love without hesitation or embarrassment. He’s so very good at loving me well.

I love that he loves our babies so much. He is truly the best daddy in the whole wide world.

I love that he learns more about how to be man and a warrior through God’s Word every day.

I love that not only dreams about being a warrior, but that he is one.

My warrior.

My hero.

Hands off girls, he’s all mine.

Bitzy is a baker!!!!

Every single day I wonder why in the world God has blessed me so incredibly. I am selfish and prideful and rude and arrogant and many more horrible sinful flaws. I do not deserve these little angels.

They are so perfect, so innocent.

They rely on Zach and I for everything. In a way it’s incredibly comforting to know that I am able and willing to provide for their daily needs, but also their need for love, comfort and encouragement.  But in another sense it scares me to death. I am not qualified for this position! I didn’t take a test or study for this job. Somedays I feel so unprepared.

Brother all snuggled at the park!

This week as Zach has been on “staycation,” my job as a stay at home mommy has been exponentially easier. Right now we’re playing a man-to-man defense which is WAY easier than my usual zone defense Monday-Friday.

To tell you the truth I’m so nervous for Monday! Including the weekends he’s been off for 9 whole days!!!! Even though we didn’t go on a fancy vacation, it has been amazing.  We went to the park (even in the freezing cold), the zoo, the science center, and even had a few PJ days (my personal favorite).

An added bonus was that Brother decided this week that he hated taking naps. So, unfortunately we had a few days that he screamed his ever lovin’ brains out for an hour. If I were here without Zach I cannot promise that I would have let him cry…but with Zach I was strong, and yesterday our sweet baby boy slept for 3 hours straight for nap!!! Amazing.

So tomorrow to further increase my nervous nerves we’re heading back on the Weight Watcher train. It’s been a full month of debauchery, but it’s time to get back on the system. And, in case that wasn’t enough we’re going hard core on the Dave Ramsey Financial Freedom plan.

I’ll be writing more this week about all of these fun things:).

Hopefully I’ll still be in my right mind to write!!! Ha!

Have a happy Sunday!

If you have been following my little blog for awhile you know that every so often I get all sudsy and clean on my own personal soap box. It’s not often that I get my feathers ruffled, but for the past week or two, everyday there have been little comments, facebook posts, or conversations with people that have culminated in me becoming very frustrated.

Ya see, I’m gonna need to complain a little.

About what, you ask?

Well that would be about People Complaining.

Ah, complaining.

We call it many things, “getting something off our chest,” or ” being authentic”, or as we said in 1993, “Getting Real.”

To me, it’s called, COMPLAINING.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that life is hard. Really hard. Disturbingly hard sometimes.

I know that each day isn’t easy and filled with bubbles and big bowls of Milk Duds (what I would do for a Milk Dud right now). I know that. And I know that sometimes offhanded comments are made about physical aches and pains or how the baby was up all night and you’re tired or about how the house is a wreck or about how your husband forgot your anniversary or how your baby boy refuses to take a nap and screams endlessly (oh wait, that would be MY child).

I get it.

I really do.

What I don’t get?

The constant, negative, need to complain.

I know that we all want to be heard…to be acknowledged. But is complaining really the best way?

I don’t know if I’m just attracted in some weird way to stories of heartache and tragedy, but I feel like I’m constantly hearing stories that sting my eyes with tears.  A story about parents losing their three precious children in a car accident. One about a baby boy being born with a congenial heart defect that lived only 5 short years before going home to the Lord. A story about a 5 month old baby inside his mommies tummy who died as his mommies kidneys and heart began failing due to the stress the pregnancy had on her body. And my least favorite (and the one that produced the most tears) a story about an innocent couple that were carjacked, kidnapped and subsequently tortured and murdered. No reason, nope none at all. Just the wrong place at the wrong time.

All this said, it makes my napping woes seem a bit less serious, no?

It’s this little thing I like to call perspective.

So many people say, “it can’t get worse” about simple things like disciplining their toddler or their car breaking down. And then, I hear stories, these horrible stories, and remember that oh yes, yes, it can.

In an instant, a heartbeat, everything, and I mean everything, could get worse. Like, way worse.

So friends, today, I encourage you to bite your tongue when you begin to complain. Remember that somewhere in this great big beautiful world someones daddy is dying, a child is starving, a terminal diagnosis has been made, someone’s heart is breaking and that in an instant your problems could become much, much worse.

So today, try to enjoy your life. Regardless of the hand you’ve been dealt. No matter how bad you think you’ve got it, remember, it could always be worse.

And if you’re feeling really, really up for a challenge stop focusing on all the awful stuff, and remember how amazingly blessed you are. Because, you are ya know, you really are.

What will you do today to celebrate how blessed you are?  Let’s chat about it!  Do tell!

Ya know those moments in life where you want time to stop? The moments that should be frozen in time and celebrated again and again?

We had one of those yesterday.

Typically Monday mornings are tough because we’re all adjusting to Daddy being at work. I know that sounds silly, but it’s true. Bitzy especially has a tough time. It’s a real heartbreaker when she wakes up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy-tailed and in the middle of reading books, rocking and nursing she looks at me and says, “WHERE DADDY AT?” I say, “Oh baby I’m so sorry, but Daddy is at work.”

Then the cries come.

The desperate, “NO, NO, NO. I WANT MY DADDY. I MISS MY DADDY. HE COME HOME NOW?”

It’s truly pitiful.

After she rejoins the world from the pit of her despair we all have to readjust.

That said, sometimes Mondays are a good day for an adventure. We get out of the house and “go to town” as my Mama would say.

So yesterday we had some errands to run, nothing major, but a few things that needed to happen. Things like picking up a prescription, using a Groupon at the store, and picking up an order at the mall.

Note: This is literally only the second time in Bitzy’s life that she can remember ever going to the mall. We’re just not really mall people. We’re Amazon.com people.

Anyway, picture us strolling into the mall in our Cadillac double stroller (which is somewhat like driving a tractor trailer. It’s big and loooooonnnnggggg), while I’m wearing Brother in the Bjorn. Bitzy is all, “WOW, WHOA, DID YOU SEE THAT MAMA? AWESOME! DOWN, PLEASE DOWN MAMA! I GET DOWN, DOWN, DOWN PLEASE!” Note that she’s just looking at racks of clothes and imagining how she can destroy as many displays as possible. It’s not like little elves are dancing at her eye level. Just boring racks of clothes.

I really resisted the urge of letting her frolic aimlessly in the department store, so we finally made it out into the mall  as I was convincing her to be patient.

But then, oh then it was all worth it. “MAMA, DID YOU SEE? IT’S A HORSEY IN THE SKY. IT’S A SUPERHERO HORSEY IN THE AIR. OH MAMA, THANK YOU FOR MY WATERFALL HORSEY IN THE JUNGLE!”

There is a place in one of our malls here with a pond of sorts. There are coins in the water made from hundreds of wishes and horses dancing through the sky. There are even huge palm trees.

When I looked around through 2 year old eyes, that is exactly what I saw. Horses flying through the sky and waterfalls in the jungle. As she looked around, she was amazed. Truly amazed. Then, she made up a story about the horses. “MAMA, THE HORSEY IS STUCK IN THE JUNGLE. I SAVE THEM. I SUPER BITZY BOO!”

And then, she said, “WHERE ALL DAT MONEY GO? I NEED MONEY TOO!”

I told her that sometimes people make a wish and throw money into the water and their wishes all come true. Then I said, “Bitzy, what’s your magic wish?”

She said, “I CLOSE MINE EYES AND MILLIONS OF WISHES FOR MY MOMMY TO BE BEST FRIEND ALWAYS. AMEN!”

And then, I died from delight.

All the while, my baby boy is laughing at Bitzy like she is the funniest thing in the world (which she is, if you ask me).

This simple moment was absolutely magical.

After lots of storytelling and laying on the ground looking up at the jungle (Bitzy, not me), and even laying on her belly gazing into the water (and me asking her NOT to lick the floor), I convinced her to run, run, run and find “The Nuggie House.” AKA: Chick Fila.

While we’re “running” which is really a whole lot more like prancing, we walk by a store that has music blaring. She stops and says, “MY MUSIC! IT’S TIME TO DANCE EVERYONE! I DANCING, I TWIRL. I A BALLERINA! MAMA, YOU DANCE WIT ME?”

Oh my goodness. Seeing my beautiful precious girl twirling and dancing in circles and literally making every person within ear shot smile from ear to ear, well, it just made my heart sing.

So, we danced. My Bitzy, Brother and I we danced right there in the middle of the mall with our tractor trailer stroller and diaper bag for a good 5 minutes. She didn’t want to stop…

And neither did I.

Dear time, please stand still. I’m having the time of my life.

Letter to a Stranger,

Hi. You don’t know me. Come to think of it, I don’t know you either.

But I feel like I do.

Granted, I don’t know your hair color, your shoe size or your favorite ice cream flavor.

I don’t know how you take your eggs, how much you weighed when you were born, or what you cooked for dinner last night.

In fact, I only know one thing about you and that’s all I really need to know.

I know that you are a mother.

A spirit filled, beautiful soul of a mother.

This tells me more than any random factoid ever could.

I know that you are in a constant state of worry, joy, anxiety, wonder, happiness and love.

I know this, because I am a mother myself.

Something happens when you see  that tiny pink line on the test.

You change.

In fact, you will never, ever be the same.

It’s as if that tiny life inside of you crawls up in your heart and curls up and your heart grows.

And then, regardless of whether that sweet baby grows in your womb or goes to be Jesus, you are a mommy.

I know that you’ve had a hard day. A life altering day.

A day that will forever define you as a person.

And I know that you are broken.

I know that your heart is shattered and you aren’t sure of what the next step is.

And to you, my stranger friend, I want to say that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.

I’m not sorry that the child in your womb is special, for I’m sure she is spectacular. And I’m not sorry that because of her, you are forever changed in the most wonderful of ways.

I’m simply sorry that you’re hurting.

But ya know what, God made us a promise. A real life beautiful promise. He says that He works ALL things out for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.

ALL things.

Hard things.

Impossible things.

He says that He’ll work it out.

It’s that simple.

So tonight, my encouragement to you my friend is to rest in that goodness.

To sit and cry and rest.

To go up on the mountain and rest under the shadow of His wings.

Tonight, I will cry with you and pray for that precious miracle in your womb and I will pray for you. For your heart and soul to feel the presence of Jesus.

To be held by Him.

And in the days ahead, I will continue to pray.

I will pray that this will make you better.

It will, ya know.

I know that she has already made you better.

You are loved deeply by so many my stranger friend.

Feel that love tonight.

With all my heart,

Molly

I hope and pray that God grants me a long life to experience all of these “somedays.”

Someday when I’m older I will stop a young mother in the store and say, “Cherish this time, it goes by too fast.”

Someday I will gaze into my grand babies eyes and swear that it was just yesterday that I held their daddy in my arms.

Someday I will look back on these days of frustration about naps and time-outs with Bitzy and laugh at how silly I was.

Someday I will zip up my beautiful daughters wedding dress and remember singing “Zip-a-dee-doo-da” every night as I put on her jammies.

Someday I will sit on the porch with my Zach and remember these days of library and zoo trips. The snacks, the nursing, the spit-up. I will cry and pray and beg God to protect my babies, to keep them safe and to give them a heart of kindness and love.

Someday I will cry tears of joy for the gift of these beautiful children, for the opportunity and privilege I have to be their mommy…just as I’m doing now, because it’s true: It just goes by too fast.

Someday will come before I know it. So…

Today I will cherish.

Today I will love.

Today I will laugh.

Today I will hug.

Today I will rock.

Today I will enjoy.

Lately, my hair is a wreck. I can’t even remember the last time it was cut. It’s big and poofy and I am sorry to admit that it’s in a pony tail 99% of the time. But guess what? The babies don’t care about my silly hair.

Lately, I only wear yoga pants and spit up stained shirts, and I look like a hot mess constantly.  But guess what? The babies don’t care about my clothes.

Lately, I am exhausted. Turns out that being up several times a night with a newborn and playing like a crazy woman all day with a toddler is tiring. But guess what? The babies don’t care how tired I am.

Lately, my housekeeping isn’t quite what it once was. Sure, the house is still clean and tidy, but it’s far from spotless. There are clothes that are currently in the dryer that need to be folded and put away, and the rugs could really use a good vacuuming. But guess what? The babies don’t care about how clean this house is.

Lately, I find myself desperate to relish this precious time with my babies and soak up every second. I want to play and teach and hug and kiss and cuddle and sing and dance and laugh and LOVE. And Guess what? That’s what my babies need the most.

Introducing…

Tatum Bennett Nelson

9 pounds 9 ounces 21.5 inches long

Born May 26, 2011 at 2:29pm

Love at first sight.

My sweet pea,

I fear that I’m awfully late on writing your 16 month letter simply because it’s way more fun to play with you and be with you than writing about/to you!

It’s true…you are so much fun to be with. I laughingly call you my sidekick, but it’s true. You’re my little best friend. I just love being with you, laughing with you, playing and delighting in you darling.

Playing with babies is a common theme in our house. You LOVE to put your babies to down for naptime.

There isn’t one morning snuggle time, daytime playtime or evening night-night routine that I take for granted. I absolutely cherish every moment with you…I believe that our sweet heavenly Father has given me this gift. I never tire of you…ever. I hope and pray that He will also give you the gift of appreciation of this beautiful life that we get to share together. We are blessed my love…so very, very blessed to have each other.

These days you are still completely obsessed with being outside. You love it like no other. You love your puppies (as per usual), coloring, playing with sticks, blowing bubbles and digging in the dirt. It is such a joy to watch you piece this puzzle of a world together through the wonderment of the outdoors. I’m looking so forward to the weather warming up so that we can play outside all day, every day.

Bitzy with her sweet cousin. They are so precious together.

The clock is still ticking on when your baby brother will arrive…only 6 more weeks ’til you’re a big sister!!!  You’ve been hearing a lot of this term “big sister” and I know that it means nothing to you at this point, but you’ll learn soon enough how much little brother is gonna change your life. I just know that you are going to be an amazing big sister. You are so loving and compassionate I’m positive that you will be the best big sister ever!!!

Again, I just cannot stress to enough have very much your daddy and me love and adore you. We are so grateful and thrilled to be your mommy and daddy and we thank God every day for you and your precious heart.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

“Met a guy today. He was so cute. He smelled of cigarettes and sweat and for some reason, I kinda liked it,” I said to my friend Jenny as I left the first day of my Photography 101 class in college.

This is not a common combination that would make most women swoon, but for me, it was an aphrodisiac with this mystery man.

There was just something about him…something unique.

His jet black, unruly curls, along with his fuzzy five o’clock shadow, coupled with his loose fitting plain red t-shirt and khaki shorts were quite the opposite than what you would find in the covers of a JCrew magazine.

He wasn’t my type. Nope, not at all.

But again, the reaction I had to him at that first meeting was a chemical reaction. I was immediately smitten with him.

This kind of reaction doesn’t come along every day I soon learned.

After a brief dating relationship we bid goodbye at graduation and didn’t see him again for a few years.

But when we reunited, we never let go again.

While his old cologne of cigarettes and sweat is gone, the way he makes my knees weak remains. The way he handles my fragile heart with such care and makes me squeal with laughter on a daily basis, the way that he whispers bedtime prayers into the ears of our Bitzy, and the way that he looks at me as if I were the only girl in the world, are just a few of the reasons that I am proud to call him mine.

I love you with my whole heart Zach. I promise to love you forever and ever. Happy Anniversary my love!

May you all experience love today…

PS: Like my little stories? I would really appreciate it if you’d vote for me here and here.

Hello my long lost friends!!! Life has been, well, busy. And unfortunately my little stories have suffered! But, life is never too busy to celebrate my favorite past time…LOVE.

You see, I’m not a big fan of Valentines Day, never have been. It just seems so…staged. So fake.

I mean, stuffed bears, chocolates and balloons are great and all, but like every holiday, I wonder why we only celebrate love one day a year.

For Zach and me, we’re certainly not extremely romantic people. Sure, we have plenty of romantic tales that shall never be told (especially on the interwebs), but for the most part we simply enjoy each other’s company.

For example, I though that we were going to forego celebrating V-Day all together this year, which honestly was totally fine by me. I did draw him a picture (which looked like a 6 year old drew it), wrote him a letter and bought him a pound of Sumatra coffee from Starbucks, but that was all. I was looking forward to a night at home.

So, as I walked in the door with my Bitzy I see my sweet husband baking a cake (first time ever), roses on the table and lots and lots of sprinkles! Zach knows me well enough to know that I would much rather buy a new lamp than to go out and eat a $100 steak, so he ordered pizza and we established a brand new family tradition!!! From now on, Zach will bake a cake and we’ll all decorate it as a family.

This was only Bitzy’s third time to ever eat sugar, so she was very interested! However, unlike her sugaraholic mama she was much more interested in rubbing the icing all over her and then wiping it on me. It was wonderful to say the least!

But ya know what? More than pizza and cake and roses, I experienced true love on Valentines Day. Love for my thoughtful husband and my beautiful baby girl and my tiny little baby boy that is growing inside me. But more than all of that, as I read from Song of Solomon I had tears streaming down my cheeks that God has so lavishly blessed my life with an overflow of LOVE. HIS love.

And that friends, is much better than a teddy bear.

Here is a little walk down memory lane as I celebrate the love of my life…my Zach.

“Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give
all the wealth of one’s house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.”

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

We have well established that I love food.

Particularly food of the sugary sort to be sure, but I am, forever and always, a food lover.

Sure, I’m frequently a weirdo about various food items, but overall, I love food and food loves me (and my ever expanding 6 months pregnant hips).

However, I am a bit of a weirdo about red meat. I L-O-V-E steak, but hamburger meat totally weirds me out. Remember the spaghetti little story? Read about it here.

I simply cannot bear it when red meat is in tacos. Homemade, store bought, fast food, you name it, it grosses me out to no end. It’s just so….wet. And greasy. And mysterious.

Just Saturday during our moving shenanigans (yes, you will get pictures, just let me find that pesky camera cord), Zach was eating a taco from Taco Bell. He asked if I wanted a bite and THANK THE LORD I checked to make sure it was chicken. When I realized it was mystery beef, I strongly declined.

Then, today I read this article…

Hold the phone Batman. I just threw up in my freaking mouth.

Here are the ingredients in Taco Bell’s “Meat”:

Water, isolated oat product, salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, oats (wheat), soy lecithin, sugar, spices, maltodextrin (a polysaccharide that is absorbed as glucose), soybean oil (anti-dusting agent), garlic powder, autolyzed yeast extract, citric acid, caramel color, cocoa powder, silicon dioxide (anti-caking agent), natural flavors, yeast, modified corn starch, natural smoke flavor, salt, sodium phosphate, less than 2% of beef broth, potassium phosphate, and potassium lactate.

Ummm…I am no health nut. In fact, I’m pretty sure that my body is made of 45% chocolate.  But I’ll take it any day over “isolated oat product“.

What in the heck is that anyway?

Needless to say, I’m holding steady to my refusal to eat ground beef of any variety.

I mean, it that not disguisting????

My darling girl,

You are growing like a weed. It is unbelievable to me how fast you grow and learn. You are truly like a sponge, soaking in new words, actions and gestures constantly. I LOVE watching you grow and learn.

My love, I have a confession.  When you were just a glimmer in my eye, even before your daddy and me were married, I wondered if I would love motherhood as much as I hoped. It’s a scary thought to think that my life’s dream may not be as fabulous as I thought. So I asked a friend who had four children. Her response, “There is nothing in the whole world as wonderful as seeing your children grow and learn every day. Nothing.”

And ya know what? I couldn’t agree more.

As I’ve said before, with each passing day you before more independent and there are pieces of sadness that go with the joy of watching you grow…but overall, there is nothing more exciting than cheering you on as you conquer the world.

Also? Maybe it’s the first time mommy in me, but I’m pretty sure you’re the smartest baby ever, which brings your daddy and me no end of amazement. It’s true. You never cease to amaze us with your athleticism (aka: climbing/running/dancing), vocabulary (you can now say baby, belly button, banana, daddy, pop, mama, water, ice, milk, up, diaper, the list goes on and on), and your unending ability to listen and comprehend what we say. It’s truly incredible.

You’re sleeping so well at night and your naps are improving (slowly but surely). We’re so proud of you! For a baby who hates sleep, you sure do require a lot of it, which never ceases to keep me on my toes:).

Your favorite thing in the whole wide world is to nurse.  And I confess, I love it too. I’m a bit confused on how in the world we’re going to wean you before your baby brother comes in a few months, but hey, we’ll figure it out just like we do everything else:).

And your laugh? Oh, your laugh. I could record it and listen to it on repeat all day long. Thankfully, you laugh often and I never ever tire of your endless squeals. It’s by far and away my favorite sound on earth.

More than anything, I find myself begging God to freeze time so that I can soak you in. Each day seems so short with you. I can be with you all day and night everyday and it still wouldn’t satisfy my desire to memorize your every gesture. YOU my love, are that amazing…that wonderful.  Don’t you ever, ever forget it.

I love you more today than yesterday baby girl,

Mama

When waiting for a husband (notice that I didn’t write, “when looking for a husband”) it’s important to dream about the kind of man that you want.

Ya know, godly, funny, smart, good with a hammer (because girls, I cannot stress how important this skill is), handsome, kind, and most of all, likeable.

Contrary to popular belief, if you don’t actually like your husband before you get married, chances are that you won’t after you’re married. Just a small factoid for your back pocket.

This said, I totally hit the husband jackpot.

My man makes me laugh constantly, he relaxes me and he always makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the room.

Which is important when I’m 20 weeks pregnant and haven’t had a good hair day in weeks.

Also? He’s an amazing daddy.

He is loving to our Bitzy and tells her over and over how beautiful and funny she is everyday. Seeing as how I also tell her those things constantly throughout the day, when she grows up she’ll either be the most confident and self assured women in he world, or she’ll be applying for Miss Universe. Either or works for us.

I could go on and on about my Zach and his fantastic attributes. Really, I could. But instead, I want to share with you one of the Christmas presents that I made for him.  Unfortunately, I didn’t write the poem, although I wish that I could have written something as potent and poetic as that.

It summarizes so beautifully his relationship with our beautiful Bitzy.

Naturally, we both sobbed when he opened it. I mean, I sobbed. He never, ever cries, because clearly, real men don’t cry (wink, wink).

Here it is…

I am blessed beyond measure.

Thank you Lord.

Hug your husbands gals! And those of you who are still waiting for yours…dream a little about him today.

I have a bit of a quandary. A dilemma if you will.

As you may know, I am a lifelong lover of candy.  I love everything about it.

The taste.

The texture.

The aftertaste.

In my day, I have consumed more candy than I care to admit. It’s true, I have a bit of an obsession.

I may go a whopping 2 days without a piece and then eat a whole bag.

I’m really healthy like that.

The whole “everything is moderation” is crazy talk.

Back to the dilemma.

A few years ago I was really into making lists. Don’t worry, not like “to-do” lists, please. Me? I’m not really a to-do list kinda gal. My lists were more like my top 10 favorite foods, candy, movies, songs…ya know, important stuff.

I encourage you to do this, it’s a fun exercise that will really make you dig deep for answers.

For example, my favorite candy.

Who am I kidding? Top 10? Try top 50, now that I could do.

And I didn’t even separate the lists. I really should have. But alas, I’m much wiser now than in the days of my youth. I thought I could simply lump them all together…but no so, my friends, not so.

So now, a few years later, the list still plagues me. I totally didn’t do it right.

Here was my list of Top Ten Favorite Candy (in no particular order):

1. Sour Gummy Worms (still true. I do love them. But top ten? I’m not sure. This is why it’s important to have separate lists).

2. Milky Way

3. Snickers

4. Candy Pumpkins

5. Coconut Cream Pie

6. Homemade Carmel Icing

7. Yellow Cake Mix Batter

8. York Peppermint Patties

9. Banana Pudding

10. Samoa and Spumoni Ice Cream (the love is separate, but equal).

As you can tell, this is a totally bogus list. How in the world can York Peppermint Patties be on the same list as Coconut Cream Pie? It’s like apples and oranges. Even as I type this little story I’m so annoyed with myself that I so haphazardly made these lists.

Perhaps back then I wasn’t as in touch with my total and complete love of candy.

Now that I am free to shout it from the rooftops and sing to the top of my lungs, “I love candy! We are best friends forever!” I feel more inclined to take things like this list seriously.

Let’s take Milky Way and Snickers.

My first instinct is to always go for the Snickers.  But then if I eat a Milky Way I am reminded of the vast goodness of the combo pack of chocolate, carmel and the yummy goodness of nougat.

The same goes for peach rings and sour gummy worms.  I think I want peach rings, but then I long for the sourness of the worms.

I cannot be satisfied.

All this to say, I am going to spend some time considering my new and improved lists. This time, I’m going to separate the lists into much more manageable categories. And I think you should too. This is an exercise for us all. It’s really important for us to get in touch with our sweet tooth.

List One: Top Ten Sugary Candy (example: Gummy Worms & Peach Rings).

List Two: Top Ten Chocolate Candy (example: Snickers & Milky Way).

List Three: Top Ten Desserts (example:Coconut Cream Pie & Banana Pudding).

List Four: Top Ten Ice Creams.

So there you go. Your assignment my darling friends is to also consider these lists and let me know your favorites too. Surely I’m not the only one that could live on straight up sugary goodness.

Can’t wait to hear your responses.

Oh Mexico, how we miss you.

Today, is my darling husbands birthday.

As you have probably learned by now, I’m completely koo-coo crazy over my man.  He is quite wonderful and totally perfect for me.

Being the complete romantic that I am, I have always believed in soul mates. That God designs a man and woman for each other and that is that. They are bound…destined if you will.

But, Zach was late to the party on that theory.

When we first began dating, we talked about our favorite color and food for about 45 seconds before I launched into questions that would make or break the relationship.

Intense much?

For example, what was his stance on soul mates. I mean, it’s legitimate dinner conversation after you’ve been dating 2 weeks, right?

(I was a train wreck).

Anyway, my Zach did not believe in my “theory” on soul mates. This my friends, could have been a deal breaker, but never fear, I knew that he would change his mind after he fell for me. I just had a feeling….and guess what?

He did.

He is now 100% convinced that God handcrafted me for him and him for me.

Told ya I’d convince him.

So, to my soul mate, my man, my kind and good partner in this life…I love you.

In fact, I love you more than BB Bats.

And icing.

And cookie dough.

And cake batter.

And coconut cream pie.

And I even love you more than Milk Duds and we all know that that’s an awful lot.

And I promise that I will always be your girl.

But please never put my love to the test on the sugar thing.

OK?

Glad we cleared that up.

Love to all,

PS: What do you guys think about soul mates?  Any thoughts?

PPS: Remember to vote for my tiny itsy bitty blog every day by clicking here!!!!

Ah yes, the long awaited Weight Watcher post about my “Baby Weight Be Gone Campaign.”

I’ve been putting this one off you see.

I’ve had a “WW Part 5″ post in draft mode for awhile now. The trouble is that every week I think “I’ll lose a whole bunch of weight this week and then I’ll finish the post.” The bad news is that my days losing “a whole bunch” of weight in a week are way over friends.

Like, way over.

The last time I spilled my guts to you over my WW adventures I had lost 36 pounds. That was 7 weeks ago.  As of Thursday, I have lost a total of…wait for it…wait for it….

43 pounds.

I realize that it’s great, blah, blah, blah, but that means that I’ve only lost 1 pound per week since then.

(What a whiny baby, right? I annoy myself).

I’m not a mathematician by any means, (although, let the record show that I can rock some addition and subtraction), but if I started on March 1st, that was nearly 6 months ago, right?. Right. There are 52 weeks in year, so half of that is 26 weeks, right?

So 26 divided by 43 pounds, comes out to 1.65 pounds per week. Right?

I’m not breaking any records by any means, but the weight is ssssssllllllloooooowwwwwwlllllllyyyyyyy coming off.

And, guess what?!

Being the huge girly girl that I am, I tried on my wedding dress last week and IT FITS!

Let’s take a walk down my wedding memory lane, shall we?

And lastly, my love waiting for me at the end of a very long, tear filled aisle. My Love, My Zach.

Whew. Memory lane is apparently filled with a few teardrops tonight. I sure did love, love, LOVE my wedding day.

OK, I’m wiping my tears away and focusing on my amazing wedding dress…back to business.

Not only does it fit, it looks great if I do say so myself.

When Zach and I got married I told him that I didn’t want to preserve my dress because I wanted to be able to wear it whenever I wanted.

Ya know, like walk around the house, eat a sandwich, run to the post office, pretend to be a runway model, prance around, go on play dates, make dinner, whatever was on my agenda for the day. I mean, it is my dress and technically I’m still a bride, so why the heck not?

Plus, since I refuse to actually weigh myself because I’m such a scaredy cat, the dress is just as good as a scale.

So basically my “dress scale” told me today that I’m at my wedding weight which was around 10ish pounds less than “normal” Molly weight.

I will tell ya though, with all this WW point counting, etc., I’ve been eating like a maniac lately.

For example, here was my menu today.

Breakfast: Egg McMuffin from my friend and yours, McDonald’s. I could seriously eat them 3 times a day, so freaking good.

Breakfast Take 2: Nonfat, no-whip Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. Ditto to the above statement.

Lunch: Glazed Chicken Lean Cuisine. Total opposite of the above statement. If I never saw one again, it would be fine by me.

Lunch Take 2/Dinner/Dinner Take 2/Snack: Big, Beautiful, Best thing ever of all time: A Banana Spilt from Brusters. The heavens opened and there was a party in my mouth when I took a bite of this glorious creature. I ate this at 2:00pm and I knew full well that my eating was way over for the day. Do I regret this?  I think you know the answer to this. Never, ever, ever, never do I regret my sugar escapades. Never.

Dinner Take 3: Bag of grapes. (yup, the whole bag. Don’t judge me).

Basically I’m on an “eat as many preservatives as possible” diet, along with counting all my WW points. It’s a great marriage of a low calorie/preservative filled lifestyle plan.

Ugh. Again, I annoy myself.

And yes, before you ask, I am still breastfeeding.

Thanks for rubbing it in.

In my defense, the only foods that go into my Bitzy’s mouth are organic foods that I make her. No sugar, hormones, additives, none of the yucky stuff.

I figure that she gets enough preservatives in my breast milk, the food I feed her should be au natural.

Anyway, how did we get off this tangent?

Back to my frenemy Weight Watchers.

The bottom line? It’s working and my pre-preg jeans are baggy.

Isn’t that a fabulous bottom line?

Well, and that if I eat one more Lean Cuisine I may explode, but let’s focus on the positive.

So there you have it.

Maybe this week I’ll jinx myself and lose 5 pounds…but just in case, I’m not holding my breath.

Love to all,

PS: All photos were taken by Tyler Pelan at Lighting His World Photography.

My girly.

Just for the record, I’m not being paid or coerced or threatened to write this little story. It’s because I love this stuff and I think you should love it too!

Let me also add that I HATE clutter, with a capital H. So, the stuff I have, I really love or I would throw them in a bag and drive ‘em right over to my good friends at Goodwill. They love me there.

All that to say, here’s some stuff that you need. Because I said so.

One more thing, I looked online for the cheapest price of these items and linked them to the product. My searches weren’t totally extensive, so try your hand at beating the prices listed…I’m always up for a good bargain!

1. Angel Care Baby Monitor: Let me be the first to say that I am a complete crazy-o about SIDS, so we purchased this beautiful piece of technology so that I could sleep at night rather than standing over my Bitzy in her crib watching to see if she was breathing.  And sleep I did…for about 2 nights until my beautiful girl decided that sleep was for the birds. But, those 2 nights were fabulous. But seriously, I love this monitor. Get one.
   

   Bjorn was a lifesaver on our Colorado vacation in April.

2. Baby Bjorn: For some weird reason I thought that you couldn’t use the Bjorn until your baby was 4 months old.  Silly me. I lost 4 months of awesomeness. I think the Bjorn would’ve have helped Bitzy’s tummy had I carried her while she was screaming.  Oh well. Ya live, ya learn. I love this amazing contraption for many reasons.  For one thing, my Bitzy LOVES it. Secondly, it exhausts her.  So if she is having a hard time winding down for nap time, it’s the perfect way to entertain her while making her tired. Thirdly, it makes my waist look small from the back when she’s in it. Just sayin’. It’s an important factoid.
3. Beaba Cook: I love, love, love making my darlings baby food. It is much healthier for her and it’s fun for me! Granted, with this amazing baby food maker it’s super easy. (I’m planning to write a little story soon about my baby food making adventures- stay tuned). I got this for Christmas and I’m crazy about it.  You need it.  If you have doubts, look at fresh homemade baby peas and compare them with the grocery stores packaged baby food. Yuck-o! Then, you’ll be a believer.
   

   7 Months Old.

4. Fisher Price Little Lamb Infant Swing: Oh the millions of miles that we’ve put on this swing. During “the crying months” when my sweetie had terrible colic and reflux she spent many a day (and night) in this swing.  She still plays in it occasionally, although now she looks like she’s on a ride at Disney World rather than being soothed by the gentle music.
5. Dr. Seuss Nursery Collection: I am thrilled to say that my little one LOVES to read. It’s her favorite thing to do, well except for nursing, crawling and terrorizing the puppies. Her favorite books are all by Dr. Seuss. As you may know, Dr. Seuss has amazing books, but they are far too long and complicated for a tiny baby…so you can buy the nursery collection.  They are board books that are much shorter, colorful and much easier for a little one to hold on to.  Bitzy told me to tell you that “Red Fish, Blue Fish” is her favorite.
   

   My sweetie at 1 day old.

6. Sozo Swaddle Blanket: Look at the picture above. Do you need anymore convincing? Cutest swaddle blanket ever (and baby if I do say so myself). Although my Bitzy is almost 9 months old we still swaddle her right before I nurse her.  It helps calm her down and gets her in the zone for sleep. When I lay her down she breaks out of it in 3.2 seconds, so she uses it to soothe herself while she wails, “MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA.” I love this blanket so much that I just ordered 2 more for a friend having twins. It’s super lightweight, soft and precious.
   

   She was only 10 weeks old here...so sweet!

7. Lovee: The above picture says it all. This Lovee is so awesome. From the time she was itty bitty to now she will clutch her lovee when it’s time for night night. It’s small, soft, silky and perfect to comfort little bittys.  I kinda wish that I had one for myself.
8. Medela Freestyle Breast Pump: As you well know by now, I’m a nursing fanatic…which is a good thing since my child would be attached to my breast all day long if I’d let her (we’re having a little separation anxiety presently). When I’m not with her I “pump it up.” Ya know, like the song “Pump Up The Jam,” from the 90′s. Was that the 90′s? Anyway, now that you have the song in your head you can tell me when it’s from. PS:  Please don’t picture me pumping as you sing that song all day in your head.  Too late, right?  Great, just great.  Anyway, I love this breast pump.  It’s extremely convenient and portable. I pump in the car about 80% of the time because it’s so easy. Hands free and everything! Granted, it’s expensive, but it’s totally worth it if you’re going to pump a few times a day.
9. My Brest Friend:  I know, I know. To some it may seem like that’s the worst never EVAH for a product, until you have a baby and you’re nursing and WaLa! You’ve got a new “breast” friend. HA. I crack myself up.  Seriously, this is an amazing product to help mommy’s breastfeed their tiny little humans.  I personally never used my Boppy, but I wore out MBF. Some gals use it the entire time they nurse.  I think I used it for about 3 or 4 months solid and then I felt comfortable enough to nurse my Bitzy without the help of MBF. It’s a great tool to get you started!
10. Video Monitor: This is a very recent purchase. Through all of our cry it out shenanigans with my Ihatesleepyou’llnevermakeme beautiful Bitzy, her Angel Care monitor kept going off because she was standing up in her crib or sitting on her knees or would fall asleep with her hands under her face and tush straight up in the air: hence her tiny little belly or chest wasn’t on the mattress, so the fantastic blaring alarm would sound.  A lot. Needless to say, the alarm sounding did nothing to aid in her falling asleep. I wonder why? Ugh.  So, we had to turn the monitor off as I sat wringing my hands convinced that simply turning the monitor off meant that she would die from SIDS. After 2 nights of this I asked my darling Zach if we could buy a video monitor to see what in the world my gorgeous child was doing in her crib (other than screaming bloody murder of course). Off I went to Babies R Us when I was having a particular terrible “I’m the worst mommy ever for letting my baby scream” day.  Never fear, a little retail therapy did the trick. Turns out that buying a video monitor was exactly what I needed in order to see what was happening with my girly. She’ll stand up and look toward the door and holler for a few minutes. Then, she’ll sit down and look at the door.  Then she’ll stand up and scream some more. Then, she’ll lay down for a few and back up again.  Finally after a few minutes she’ll lay down and sleep.  The power of the video monitor has worked wonders for me during our “Please, For the Love, Sleep Through the Night Campaign.”  We have the brand Summer, but I’m not in love with the brand, just the concept in general.
    

    Dual purpose: it's a carseat and a bed:).

11. In conclusion, The Chicco KeyFit Car Seat. This car seat has the highest safety rating, it’s slender, lightweight (until you’re toting around a 20 pound baby of course) and easy to get in and out of the car.  Being a crazy first time mama I researched and researched a car seat that would protect my precious cargo while in the car. While it’s pricey, it’s priceless to feel like your baby is safe while travelling.

So there ya have it!  There’s my Top 11 Baby Must Haves!

You’re Welcome.

Love to all!

I love America.

I love the people, as crazy as we all are.

I love the landscape, how in mere hours you can go from big overwhelmingly beautiful mountains to the salty breeze and vastness of the ocean.

I love the seasons.

I love the history of this country. How our forefathers sacrificed their homes, families, and lives to birth this great nation. How they carefully rooted this country on a Biblical foundation and prayerfully considered our beautiful Constitution.

I love America’s resilience. How nearly ten years ago our country went through a living hell with 9/11 and we survived and came together as a country united.

I love the privilege of living in a country that values education and rewards hard work.

All this to say, I’m not sure when I became so patriotic. It very well could have been the Olympics. Read about it here.

Or it could have happened much earlier when I was a tiny tot in 1983 when “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood came out. Listen and love it here.

This is seriously my favorite song of all time.  I’m not even kidding.

Or it could have happened when I travelled to Afghanistan and have never appreciated being born in America more.

Or it could have been in college when one of my professors insisted that I couldn’t be a Christian and be patriotic. Ugh. I guess I showed him.

Whenever and however it happened I’m not sure. But I am grateful.

I’m thankful that God allows me to live in a country where I can freely go to church and worship the one true God. That I can wear, drive and do whatever I want. That Zach and I can have as many children as we want without government oppression. That we have the constitutional right to pursue happiness.

What a gift it is to live in this big beautiful nation.

Mostly, on this day, July 4th, I think of the men and women who have fought and are currently fighting for my freedom, because as we know all too well, freedom isn’t free.

I hope that on this day, you’ll be grateful for our independence and pray for those who are fighting so that we can enjoy our fun BBQ’s with family and friends. I know that I sure will.

God Bless America Land That I Love.

Happy Birthday America…I hope this is the best year yet!

My Miracle.

There are few things in the world that excitement me as much as new life. The joy of finding out that you or someone else is pregnant is a joy like no other. And then, the feeling of the tiny little critter moving and shaking inside of you, it’s a miracle.

I have often said that I do not understand how someone can get pregnant, carry a child and give birth without recognizing that they have just witnessed an absolute miracle of the Lord. New life is a ministry, a miracle and a gift. It overwhelms me to think that God created such a beautiful plan to populate the earth.  He could have done it any way he wanted, but he has gifted us with an intimate way to have children that are born out of love.

I’m amazed that my Bitzy was born because her mama and daddy are crazy about each other and out of our passion we have received the greatest blessing of our lives. God knows His stuff.

While I write I am filled with gratitude that I have a perfect little crawling bit of joy sleeping in the room next door.  She is truly a delight and I cannot imagine my life without her.  What did I do with all my time anyway?  I should have been sleeping!!!  Lord knows that I have hardly sleep a wink since was born.

Tonight I happened upon this blog and I spent nearly 3 hours devouring every single word. Apparently, I’m a few years behind, as this happened over 2 years ago, but the story is just as cutting and fresh as if happened today.  Please take the time to read it, you’ll not be sorry that you did.

In short, it’s a story of how one little life changed the lives of many. It’s a story of hope and love. A story of being broken and allowing God to heal. A story of how life isn’t always easy or fair, but how God is still good.

As I read the words of a mother who was hurting, I sobbed.  I cried for her, for her family, for her child and somehow in the midst of my tears, my arms ached for the child that I never knew.  For the little person that I didn’t have the opportunity to hold and to rock and to sing to.  I miss that little one. (Need some background? Read this).

Someday I will tell my Bitzy that she has a sibling in heaven and that Jesus is swinging with her and keeping her safe until we all get to heaven.  I hope that my Bitzy will fall in love with her brother or sister as her daddy and I did.  That she will look forward to a heavenly reunion when meet our sweetheart that Jesus has been playing with all this time, just waiting around ’til we all join her.

I hope that my Bitzy will love her heavenly brother or sister just like she’ll love the ones here on earth.

Since my precious Bitzy has been born, the sting of losing a child has been more prominent. I don’t know that I realized what we lost when we miscarried our firstborn. Now that I have experienced the absolutely joy and love of being a mother to the happiest little person on the planet, I realize what we’re missing.

But even in the midst of missing my Poppy and reading about another mothers loss, I see God working. I celebrate that all life has purpose, meaning and value.

So often, when gals talk about their heavenly babies they’ll say, “Well I was just 5 weeks”, or “It was for the best, the baby had so many issues,” or “It was just a surprise baby anyway,” and I know with my mommy heart that they are trying to heal, to digest the injustice of losing a baby, to figure out how to live in a new normal. They can’t find the words, so they dismiss their loss to somehow feel better, and that’s OK.  Healing is a tricky thing, it takes time and it’s not easy.

But ya know what? Losing a baby and then giving birth to my Bitzy has completely changed my outlook on conception, pregnancy and birth. I am in awe. Absolute awe that God would allow us to join him in completing a miracle. Our dirty little paws get to participate in the circle of life, it’s incredible and I’m humbled that I get to have a seat in the audience while experiencing God at work.

All this to say, I am not pregnant. Nor am I trying to be pregnant. (As I say that I’m counting on the calender to the days of my last period to make sure, because honestly, as all you married gals know, do you ever really know that you aren’t pregnant?  Or is it just me?). I don’t think I am anyway. Don’t you worry, if I do have a little peanut inside me, I’ll let ya know.

As I consider these things, I couldn’t help but write to you my dear readers and encourage you to appreciate this day which the Lord has made, to smile a bit more at your babies or pray for the ones that have yet to come. To be uplifted that YOU are a miracle.  That God created you for a specific purpose greater than you could imagine…Remember that today friends…I know that I will.

“Rejoice in the Lord Always, I say it again, Rejoice.” Philippians 4:4

Ya know how some girls pride themselves on growing up as tomboys?  They talk about how they played in the mud and spit on dolls.  These girls are what I call, “girls boys.” This means that they “get” boys, they hang out with them, like sports, do boy type things.

On the contrary, there are “girls girls.” They are girly and proud of it. They played with make-up, loved their dolls and had tea parties.  Girls girls have lots of girlfriends and can’t quite get the hang of having really great male friends.

“Girls girls” and “Girls boys” are equally valuable and loveable, just different.

I know you’re gonna be shocked by this but I am unequivocally a girls girl.

My favorite of all time: Peaches & Cream Barbie.

I loved Barbies and lip-gloss and dresses. I played with baby dolls and pretended to be their mommy. I dressed them, bathed them, cut and curled their hair (by the way, never use a curling iron on a Barbie’s hair. It will melt.  I learned the hard way).

As I got older I was exposed to more babies.  I thought they were cute and sweet and kissable.  I loved holding them and admired their amazingly tiny little faces.  I suppose I had the same admiration for new little people as the next gal.

Then, I got pregnant with my Bitzy.  Since I have played with babies and Barbie’s since I was born practically, I figured that I had it in the bag.  I loved babies!  This should be easy!

Sure, the dressing, bathing, showing off part I pretty much understood, but the love…the incredible surge of absolute LOVE, I didn’t get.  How could I?  How can you possibly predict or understand the love you will feel when your brand spanking new baby is placed in your arms?  You can’t.  Or at least, I sure couldn’t.

After a hard pregnancy and a grueling labor I was more than ready to meet my girl, but I still didn’t foresee how my world would be flipped upside down with a love that had no limits and no conditions.  A love that I had never experienced.

Let me clarify that I love Jesus.  I love Him more than anything else in the whole wide world.  And I love my husband.  I love him in a way that I could never love anyone else, I admire him and I’m thrilled and proud to be his wife.  But, I had never experienced this new love.  A whole crazy different love: the love for a child.

But then, it happened.  The doctor put her in my arms and felt my former world crumble around me.  The Molly who was a clean freak: gone, the Molly who needed lots of sleep: gone, the Molly who was selfish and self-serving: gone, the Molly who was a million pointless things: gone, gone, gone and never to return.

Love at first sight.

How did I not miss the large piece of my heart that was empty before I met my Bitzy?  Did it just lay dormant, waiting until the day that she came along?

It is a phenomenon to me that I love her more every day.  I honestly don’t know how it’s possible.  Each day feels like my heart will burst out of my chest.

When people say, “I’ll keep her, you need a break.”  I really don’t want a break.  I miss her so much when I’m not with her, I crave her.  Even at night when she sleeps, I miss her.  When she’s in the car seat and I’m driving, I miss her still.

I want her cries, smiles, laughs, and whimpers, all of it.  I want it all.

I want to breathe her in and memorize her every day.  To savor every single second and to take nothing for granted.  I don’t want to miss anything.

And did I mention that she is perfect in every way.  I spend hours just staring at her, unable to believe that she is mine and that I get to keep her!  It’s an incredible miracle.

I know that parenting isn’t always easy.  Believe me, my darling Gracie hasn’t been the easiest baby.

3 months old!

But ya know what, I wouldn’t trade the nights of walking the floor with her screaming while I had tears of my own running down my cheeks for anything. Or the mornings when she’s been up so much at night that I finally give in and let her sleep in the bed with us.  Or when her cries were so piercing that Zach had to cover his ears as I swayed, rocked and loved.

I wouldn’t trade one single second of it.  Not even one.

With tears streaming down my face as I write this I am reminded that I may need to revisit these words when she’s 13 and I have to remember why I love her…and I will.

I will remember the first time she laughed.

I will remember the first time our eyes locked and she knew that I was her mommy.

I will remember that my 13 year old smart mouth child is the same sweet girl that she was the moment my life became better forever all because she became my daughter.