It is no secret that sleep has been a real struggle in our house. From Bitzy’s first days until now, sleep just doesn’t come easily. In fact, the days of sleep training her I still recount as some of the hardest days/nights of my life. Something about watching your 9 month old scream for hours every night for a solid month has left scars. Just on me mind you. She’s the happiest little thing, sleeping 12-13 straight every night. Naptime, on the other hand, is a constant struggle. One day she’ll sleep for 3 hours and the next day she will play in her crib and not nap at all. Which is fine with me except for the fact that at 5:00pm she completely melts down, begins running into the walls and becomes completely delirious due to exhaustion. So, we end up putting her to sleep at 6:00pm rather than 7:00pm.

Sleep? It’s tough stuff.

And Brother? He’s getting better. Those dang teeth have given us fits, but for the past week he’s been sleeping from 6:00pm-12:00am (then I feed) and then from 12:00am-6:00am. I consider that amazing. Especially considering we really haven’t done major sleep training with him.

You see, he’s just an easy baby. Or maybe Bitzy is just super high maintenance? Either way, sleep around here is coveted and much appreciated.

That leads me to a scene that has literally never ever happened in this house. We have a motto around here. Never, ever, ever wake a sleeping baby. Not ever.

So here’s the story:

It was 12:00am last night and I was nursing Brother. With his eyes closed he suckled as the moon glistened on his cheek. It was like something out of a movie. He is just so dang beautiful. And he smells delicious. As I traced the outline of his face I was so moved by love for him. So amazed at the blessing of this baby.

Then, my mind wandered to my sleeping Bitzy in the room next door. “Is she really 2 years old?” I wondered. It seems like she was just a baby, just like Brother. I vividly remember when her tiny body wrapped around me as I nursed her to sleep when she was only 8 months old.

And then, I did the unthinkable.

When I laid Brother down and walked out, I opened the door to my Bitzy’s room. I looked over her crib and whispered, “I love you baby girl.” She immediately woke up obviously. She probably thought she was dreaming because I have never, ever entered her room in the middle of the night. Sure, I stalk her video monitor, but I never go in there.

She got up and said, “Oh Mama, I love you too, so much.”

I picked her up and rocked her. She clung to me in the wee hours of the night and I smelled her hair and neck and recounted the zillion ways that she enlists me to love her.

I remembered her as a tiny baby and tried to memorize every detail of her face. I don’t want to look back in a few years and not remember her as a 2 year old. I want to memorize her every detail. To burn it into my heart and memory and tell her someday all the ways that I have loved her at every age and stage. To remind her that I have loved her completely. Always. Forever.

I cannot promise that this will not happen again. There is something magical about holding a sleeping toddler that is rousing, playful and wild during the day, but at night is limp with sleep and snuggles up closely for protection and love.

In fact, maybe I will again tonight.

Yes, please.

I mean, seriously? Could she be any cuter?

In the land of mommyville I have been noticing a trend.

A very disturbing trend indeed.

This trend?

Rushing.

We rush to and fro, from work to playdates to lunches to playgrounds to music class to church and here and there and everywhere.

Not only do we rush our days, but it seems we rush our experiences. We rush solid food, toddler beds, haircuts, potty training…everything is more efficient, faster and supposedly more advanced.

After the baby stage we rush to school, then homework. We let our kids play 3 sports at a time and we rush from practice to practice, then we rush home to tuck them in bed.

Then we rush to study, to learn, to memorize. We push academics and threaten how hard college with be if ill-prepared.

And then? Just like that, they’re gone and the house is all quiet. Too quiet.

OK, I know, I know. My sweetheart is only 14 months old and I’m already dreading an empty house in 16.5 years.

Anyway, back to my point.

And we worry. We can’t sleep because of worry. Too much food or not enough? Too much play and not enough instruction? Was that a tantrum or just whining? Is she developing properly? Enough words? Enough love? Enough, enough, enough?

Oh, you don’t do this? Is it just me?

Well, as I’ve said many times, I will wave my crazy flag proudly and admit my shortcomings.

I am not superwife.

I am not supermom.

And I am definitely not superwoman.

I am just a girl, looking at a boy and asking him to love her.

Oh wait, that was from Notting Hill wasn’t it?

(While I may think I look and act like Julia Roberts, let’s face it, I do not).

I digress.

Back to rushing.

The point of all this? I guess I’m struggling with this whole toddlerhood thing. My sweetheart just turned 14 months and while she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off, she’s still certainly a baby. It’s this weird space in time where sometimes she acts like a little girl and others like a tiny baby. And ya know what? I don’t mind it one bit.

I am in NO hurry for her to grow up.

I read so many blogs and articles about parents who are potty training and toddler bed training at only 12-15 months old. I mean, I’m no expert, but isn’t that a little early?  Bitzy is still nursing for goodness sake and I still rock her to sleep for every nap and bedtime. We’ve very recently been semi-successful with bedtime and nap training (but that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah), and I can’t seem to take her bottle away since she’ll actually drink out of it whereas she just plays with the sippy. Ya see, when your child barely eats, sleeps or drinks, you take what you can get.

I guess I just don’t see the big deal. Is it? Am I missing something? What’s up with all the stress and rushing?

Who cares if my child isn’t potty trained ’til she’s 2? Is that a bad thing?

Also? I refuse to put her in a toddler bed until she’s ready. If that means 2 or 3 then that’s OK.

What’s the freaking rush people?

I just don’t get it.

I want to enjoy every single minute and not rush anything. I only get 18 years of her at home under our roof, why rush? I just wanna soak her in and memorize her every smile, laugh and tumble.

Maybe I’ll baby her too long, but I figure that we spend a whole lot more time being grown-ups than tiny humans, so let’s drag it all out, shall we?

It’s a marathon, right? Why sprint?

Thoughts? Love? Advice?

I’m alive…but sleepy. Oh so sleepy.

Too sleepy to be witty or interesting. Way too sleepy to even type.

Turns out that this child in my belly and my beautiful Bitzy are requiring 100% of my energy.

So rather than piecing sentences together from my scattered half-brain, I will give you a few pictures of my sweetheart. She’s cooler than my silly stories anyhow.

I’ll write again soon, promise.

I think that by now we have established that I’m bananas over my Bitzy. Right?

She had me at hello.

Actually she had me from the second I saw “positive” flash on the Clearblue Easy test.

And correct me if I’m wrong, I think we’ve also established that I can be…well, a little nuts for lack of a better word.

Oh, you want a better word?

Coo-coo?

Crazyo?

Insane?

Whatever you wanna call it, I have embraced my crazy.

I want to shout from the hilltops, “I’m crazy and I like it.”

It’s very freeing, you should try it.

Anyway, I have learned that with great love, comes lots of worry.

All the “what-ifs” fill my heart and all the sudden I’m praying that an evil man hijacking a plane won’t venture off track, find the interstate and come barrelling down the highway, intentionally aiming for my Bitzy and me.

What? You mean your overactive imagination doesn’t occasionally come out to play?

Mine either.

Also, I’m terrified, T.E.R.R.F.I.E.D of SIDS. Still to this day, I’m a basket case about it.

Before my sweetie was born I was so consumed with all that could go wrong in pregnancy that I didn’t obsess about SIDS, in fact, I really didn’t know anything about it. Then, when we brought her home and laid her in the pack ‘n play beside our bed, I couldn’t sleep for fear that she would stop breathing. I was constantly up all night long checking on her.

After a week of no sleep, Zach banished her to the crib. Turns out, it was a great decision because my best friend, Angel Care Monitor, was there in case she stopped breathing.

Finally, I could sleep.

But then, I became obsessed with worry about the car seat, swing and stroller. There was no way for her breathing to be monitored in those contraptions…or was there?  In a fierce Google search to rival crazies everywhere I happened upon this divine invention…

The Respisense Breathing Monitor. This fabulous trinket attaches to the baby’s diaper and an alarm will sound if no breath is detected for 15 seconds.

Fabulous. Can I just tell you how fabulous this thing is?  It’s amazing. I recommend it to crazy mama’s everywhere.

But then, I became obsessed with the “why?” of SIDS.  Causes, etc.  Yes, I realize that people with degrees from Harvard are doing research, but Mr. Google along with my degree from Grey’s Anatomy did a bang up job on new advances in SIDS research.  Take that Harvard!  Well, we didn’t exactly discover the cause, but we did find a tool to help combat it!

A doctor in New Zealand (which ironcially is where my Respisense Monitor came from. It seems that my true people are in New Zealand), has declared that the cause of SIDS is found in the toxins of crib mattresses. So, he created a plastic bag of sorts to put over the mattress to keep the toxins at bay.

I mean, what’s another $39.99 for me to sleep at night???

I’m happy to report that all of my gear and I are happy in our crazy nest and Bitzy is safe and sound.

Now, did all of my devices save her life? Who knows. What I do know is that they made me less crazy than usual and I could sleep…and that is priceless.

Here’s to a “If you’re crazy and you know it clap your hands” kinda day!

Today I’m guest blogging over at Real Life With Kids with my bloggin’ buddy, Cate.  Head on over and check out my little story and her awesome blog!

Enjoy!

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In other news, Zach and I are so exhausted from our Sleep Wars (Wanna catch up? Check out Schedule 1, Schedule 2, Schedule 3 and Schedule 4), that we have vowed to go to bed at 10:00pm. This, my friends, has never happened. We are night people. We cuddle and watch Netflix and inevitably when the clock strikes 11:00pm, it occurs to me that I still have a million things to do.

Let’s take last night for example.

We’re currently addicted to Prison Break. We’re halfway through Season 2 and I’m WAY into it. So, after several episodes Zach declared that he was tired and going to bed.

After my failed attempts at trying to talk him to watch one more, it dawned on me that I hadn’t done any of my chores.

I still had to pack Zach’s lunch, get Bitzy’s food and bottles together for her Lolly’s house, water the flowers, fold laundry, and I still needed to do The Shred video.

Bet ya can’t guess which one of those things went out the window?

Shockingly, it was The Shred.

I know that you’re just as shocked as I was.

(I annoy myself).

This, my friends, wouldn’t be completely insane except for the fact that I have gotten a combined 2 or 3 hours of sleep for several nights in a row. Turns out that clutching a video monitor while trying to sleep in an empty bed without my husband, while listening to my child scream bloody murder aren’t the greatest conditions for sleep.

Weird huh?

So, that said, I’m going to bed yo.

(Which I think you and I both know that “bed” entails me obsessing over my girl sleeping on the video monitor, but at least I’m laying down, right?).

See ya on the flip side.

PS: Don’t forget to visit my guest blog at Real Life With Kids!

Cutest.Kid.Ever.

It’s no secret that although I gave birth to the world’s happiest baby, she hates sleep. Well, that’s not really true, she hates sleep if she’s not in my arms.

Apparently my arms are magical.

To be perfectly honest if it were up to me, sweet Bitzy would sleep in my arms all night, every night.  We would be one big co-sleeping family.  It is very natural to me to have her sleep with me, both for naps and for bed.

We’re peas in a pod my girly and me.

But there one major caveat in my perfect plan for co-sleeping heaven- Zach hates co-sleeping and is scared to death to have our precious one in bed with us.  He also wants our bed to be, well, our bed. And I do agree with him until it’s 2:00am and she’s screaming her brains out and my arms ache to hold my sweet angel.

Then, I turn to mush, begin sweating, crying and declare that if I don’t go get her I’ll just DIE (dramatic much?).

So for the past few months during The Sleep Wars, Zach has been begging me to give him a go at sleep training her, which I have adamantly refused. Why? Because his method is the old fashion, straight forward, cry it out method.

That’s right folks.

Cry it out.

For this cuddly and doting mama, it goes against every single fiber in my nature to leave my Bitzy to her own devices and let her cry.  So for months I have bargained with Zach.  ”Let me try this and that and this and that and this and that and then you can try” or “She just so little, give me one more month” or “You are the meanest person that have ever lived and you will NEVER let MY baby cry it out.”

That’s right. A submissive wife, I am not.

So on Friday our sweet baby turned 9 months old. She is a master crawler, a pulling up maniac and can charm a stranger will her sweet smile. Toddler hood is coming quick.

In honor of her 9 month birthday we celebrated by going to the doctor and getting shots.

Aren’t I a fun mama?

The doctor asked about her sleep. Such a simple question with such a complicated answer.  I fumbled around, making excuses about colic and reflux and breastfeeding. I went round and round the bush about how much I love her and how I just can’t let her cry.

Then he looked me in the eye and started talking in his I went to school for a million years and I know stuff voice. Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of our conversation:

Doctor: “It’s time.”

Me: “Time for what?”

Doctor: “You’ve gotta let her cry it out. You have to deal with this now rather than when she’s 2. I promise that she will be fine.”

Me: “No she won’t. She needs me and I need her.”

Doctor: “She has to learn to fall asleep on her own.”

Me: “But she’s hungry and I have to feed her. Do you want her to starve?”

Doctor: “She doesn’t need to eat during the night. She is perfectly capable of not eating for 12 hours during the night. It has become habit, not need. You have to let her cry.”

Me: “I can’t.”

Doctor: “You can.”

Insert Tears.

Me: “But what if she feels abandoned and that I don’t love her.”

Doctor: “She will not feel that way. She loves you and knows that you love her and she will never even remember the crying. Ever.”

Me: “What if she does? What is she becomes an ax murderer because I let her cry? Or a thief? Or a mean and bitter woman because of me and my terrible abuse of letting her cry.” (Now the tears become sobs) “She will wonder why I don’t love her anymore and I just can’t stand the thought, I cannot do it.”

Doctor: “Molly, you aren’t doing her any favors. She has got to learn to sleep on her own. What happens when you have a new baby and you have a 2 year old who can’t sleep in her bed? I know that it’s hard, but you can do it. Give her the gift of sleep.”

Give her the freaking gift of sleep?  Come on.  That was a good line I must admit.

So when I left the doctor I thought about it all day and tried to make sense of it in my mind. I just couldn’t logically work it out. Baby cries = Mama picks you up. It seems so rudimentary to me. But then I had a revelation.

I have asked countless people for advice, blogged about our sleep plight, cried on the phone to my Mama, prayed that my girl would just give in and sleep for goodness sake…but I have failed to listen to my husband.

Over and over again he has begged me to hand over the reigns to him. To let him give it a go. I realized that I have not only been disrespectful to him, but I had hurt him by ignoring him and seeking advice from anyone who would give it.

Total wife fail.

It was then that I knew what had to be done.  We had tried every method and gone back and forth but we had never been consistent (or rather I had never been consistent) and after I realized the error of my ways, I have officially handed over the reigns to my darling husband.

I’m working on the whole submission = respect aspect of marriage. It’s a process.

Our deal is that if she isn’t sleeping through the night (from 9pm-6am) in 2 weeks then she can sleep in our bed until she’s one. Pretty good deal, huh?!

So for the past 3 nights I have laid her down around 9pm and haven’t gone back in until 6am.  That’s right. No nursing, no rocking, no singing, nada.

Instead I have been clutching the video monitor under the sheets watching my darling child scream for hours on end.

The first night she cried off and on (mostly on) from 12:30am-6:00am.  Zach was practically laying on top of me to keep me from going in to rescue her. It was by far and away the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I would rather walk on glass and have my toenails ripped off than ever go through that horror again.

The second night Zach slept on her floor from the time she woke up at 2:00am until 6:00am and that seemed to help a bit.  She still cried off and on but it was a little better.

The third night is woke up at 2:30am and with Zach on the floor she would sleep for an hour and then scream for an hour. Of course he slept right through it as I’m watching her every move on the blessed video monitor (a gift from God I tell ya). But was a little better.

Tonight is night #4. I have high hopes that every night will get better, but I’m secretly scared that she’ll be scarred for life and end up being on death row someday all because of me. Or at the very least this new adventure will take weeks and weeks, rather than days.

I’m just not sure how much more my heart can take.  But, a deal is a deal.

But ya know what I’ve learned? That my relationship with Zach has to be stronger than the one I have with my Bitzy. If not, she will suffer because of our confusing parenting. When I said, “I do” I committed to allow Zach to lead our family, so I have to let him, even when it’s hard. When I submit to Zach, I am submitting to God.

Tough stuff my friends. Some lessons are hard fought I tell ya.

So that’s the latest and greatest of our Sleep Wars mixed with a little life lesson. Keep us in your prayers…it’s tough times up in here.

Love to all and sleep well.

Sleep? Who needs sleep?

First of all, a BIG thank you to each and every person who has commented, emailed, Facebooked and called during what will now be called, “The Sleep Wars.” All of your support and advice has been so wonderful and I am truly grateful for all of you.  So, thank you.

Lost?  Read Schedule Part 1 and Schedule Part 2 to catch up.

I’m telling ya, this sleep training stuff is not for the faint of heart. And I’m here to tell you, that I am, in fact, faint of heart.

Here’s the Readers Digest version of our plight….

But first, a little background.

As of late, we have been skipping nap #3 and have moved bedtime up a bit. So rather than her going to sleep at 8:00-8:30, now it’s more like 7:00-7:30. Which means that by 6:30 she is rubbing her eyes, yawning and whiny.

Needless to say, by the time we do our bedtime routine, she is ready to go to sleep.  So bedtime has never been our issue. Even in the throws of terrible colic and reflux, bedtime has been the easiest part of the night.

OK, now that you have information, let’s move on.

Normally my girl goes down without a fight, but over the past few weeks she has learned that bath time equals bed time (she’s a genius) so she begins screaming the second we get her out of the bath until she’s dressed and in my arms. Poor little thing. Since she’s clearly traumatized by the evil monster called “sleep”, so she won’t give in to dreamland (deep, sound sleep anyway) in my arms before bed. She knows what’s coming (again, she’s clearly a genius). So, I nurse and rock and shhhhhhh until she’s cool, calm and collected. After 20 minutes or so I lay her down.  She screams and acts like she’s being stabbed for a few minutes (anywhere from 1 minute-20 minutes) but finally gives it up and sleep for several hours.

So, last night signalled day 14 of  The Sleep Wars and it was much better. After we did bath time, story time, medicine around 7:00pm, I rocked and nursed her until she was almost asleep.  Then, I laid her down and walked out.

She cried (not the wailing and gnashing of teeth that comes in the middle of the night, but crying all the same), for 17 minutes and then went to sleep without a whimper until 1:30am.

Major improvement.

In fact, I think that is the longest that she’s slept on her own since she was a tiny baby.  So, let the record show that things are improving.

But then, 1:30am rolls around. She’s screaming her brains out so I go in and (gasp) pick her up and feed her, because friends I’m just not comfortable with going totally cold turkey on comforting her during the night thing.

The child is wide awake. Like, “Hey Mama!  Wanna go play, crawl, discover, sing, read? I love you. I missed you. You’re my favorite mama! Please don’t leave me in that awful crib. I’m lonely and I love you.” Basically she was trying to butter me up.

But never fear, I was on to her.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that if I laid her back down she would cry for hours and hours.  If I stayed up with her it would be disastrous.  The only option is our bed.

Well, I’m sure there are other options, but hey, it was the middle of the night and I made an executive decision.

She’s tough and not like other babies from what I’ve heard.  All this, “In a week she’ll be sleeping through the night” is insane. It’s just not happening friends. In fact, I can tell by the cries when she or will not go back to sleep. When she’s really tired and will go back to sleep it’s more like groaning and whining, not the full blown, “If you don’t get me outta here I’m going to jump out of this crib and break my own leg.” If the crying becomes the wailing for too long then she’ll cry and cry forever.

For example, one night it was around 3:00am when she began crying.  I went in and fed her (I could tell she was wide awake as I fed her), laid her down, and she went off the deep end bananas for 45 minutes. Finally, I went in and soothed her. Poor thing was shaking, sobbing and terrified. It was heartbreaking to say the least. But, I was determined to stay strong! So I laid her back down and walked out. This time, she cried off and on for 90 minutes.  Needless to say, I almost turned in my mommy card to the authorities because I felt so guilty.

But ya know what?  In a combined 2 hours and 15 minutes of sobbing the kid never fell asleep. She never got tired, she was energized. Ready to continue to fight the fight of bedtime.

I think I may have a little pistol on my hands.

Another important point is that when she’s going crazy if I go in and soothe her she calms down, but if I lay her back down and walk out she goes ten times crazier than before. I don’t think she’s a candidate for the whole rubbing her back, singing and patting her every 10 minutes.

All this to say, things are improving.  But honestly, sososososososososososo many people said that kids would cry for 10 or 20 minutes for 2 nights and WALA! they slept through the night from then on. That’s the most frustrating thing for me I think.  Trying to celebrate that she is learning to self soothe day by day, it’s just not quite as simple as I had hoped.

So there you have it, an update. I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath.

Go ahead and breathe now.

Love to all…and sleep well, cause Lord knows that I won’t.

How can I let this precious little person cry it out??? How, I ask?

My dear readers I have a confession: as it turns out,  I’m a push over.

I know that you are shocked.

I can’t handle the crying, the sobbing, the screaming, the soul altering terrifying shrills that come out of my tiny little perfect offspring.

I just can’t.

See, told ya I’m a push over.

After reading and re-reading all the comments you kind people wrote on my last schedule blog (read it here), and having many, many conversations and pep talks with my darling husband and being obsessed with reading different articles and blogs about how to make a child who’s greatest enemy is sleep, to well, sleep…I think I’m ready(ish) to really give sleep training a fair shot.

Let’s face it, I haven’t exactly been committed to the cause.

I just can’t stand to see my baby crying, sad, or upset. It makes me cry and breaks my heart.  The mental picture of her standing at the edge of her crib screaming, “MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA” makes me want to vomit and then run in and swoop her up and promise to never let her whimper again.

Okay, forget it. No sleeping training for us.  I can’t handle it.

This is what happens in my brain on and off every day. It’s a battle that I’m not winning.

But, here’s the thing- she’s not sleeping well and I’m not either.  It’s not good for Bitzy or Mama.  Granted, we are both extremely attached to each other.  She wants me all the time, and let’s face it, I want her right back. During the day time hours, it works beautifully.  We play, crawl, go for walks and sleep together and it’s pure bliss. But at night, she’s sleeping in 3 hour increments (8:00pm-11:00pm and 11:00pm-2:00am) the first part of the night (take note that I nurse her at 11:00pm when she wakes up and rock her back to sleep with little problem), but then at 2:00am the battle begins. If I get her back to sleep (after nursing and rocking) and lay her down she’s normally up by 3:30am and then I almost always can’t get her back to sleep in her crib without her screaming.  However, when I bring her bed with us and hold her she’s falls back to sleep with no problem until 7:30-8:00am.

This system works much better than her waking up every 30 minutes throughout the night, which was so 3 months ago. Although 6 months ago she was sleeping much better than she is now (hmmm…I wonder why?).

So, I suppose progress has been made (sort of).

Our current system is fine, except that Zach really doesn’t like her in our bed and neither Bitzy or I sleep very well.  Sure, we are cozy and comfy and in love, but I’m a wreck that she’s going to suffocate and she likes to waller me to death, hence, sleeping after 2:00am is at a minimum.

Basically: it’s time for a change.

But I have some questions for you, my expert readers…please advise me.

1. We have a bedtime routine that we’ve done since she was 6 weeks old. Reading, Bath, Nursing/Rocking to sleep. 5 out of 7 nights (estimation) she falls asleep as I’m nursing her. So, I normally don’t lay her down when she’s awake.  You say to lay her down awake…how?  Is that a big issue that we have?

2. When she wakes up in the middle of the night I’m going in, picking her up and then nursing/rocking her back to sleep. Do I still do that? If so, when I lay her down and she cries do I not pick her up then?  This middle of the night stuff is very confusing to me.

3. Since I’m breastfeeding and she’s waking up every 3 hours (almost on the dot), do you think she’s hungry?  She’s not eating solid food very well and is basically exclusively breastfed, could our sleep issues be hunger issues?

4. Would it be better for me or Zach to handle her crying?  Does it matter?  Can we both do it?

5. If I don’t do anything at all and just wait it out, will she ever sleep all night?

6. Can I have a piece of coconut pie?  All this sleep talk is stressful.

7. She’s teething and generally uncomfortable. Should I wait to do this training nonsense ’til she cuts more teeth?

8. Can I hire a professional to come and do this for me? (just kidding- sort of).

9. Zach made me promise that if she cries between 8:00pm-11:00pm that I would “let him take care of it,” basically meaning that I sit in the basement crying with a pillow over my head while he lets her scream bloody murder for her mama.  Anyway, we made this deal 2 nights ago and last night she made it to 11:04pm (Hooray!), but tonight she only made it to 8:34pm.  I lose, Zach wins.  Needless to say, he’s upstairs “taking care of it.” (note: she only screamed for 4 minutes and then went back to sleep. Zach feels like this is “proof” that she’s ready). Is she ready? Am I?

10. I need pie. Pronto.

Please let me know your thoughts.  I know that I’m probably doing everything wrong, so please have mercy on me.  I’m basically a basket case and ultra sensitive about it (me? never), so take it easy on me.

PS: I’m not even thinking about naps, bedtime is about all I can handle right now.  Plus, the thoughts of our night-times snuggles being taken away makes our naps together all the more precious.

PPS: I’ve read several books. Babywise, 90 Minute Nap Solutions, Good Night Sleep Tight, Happiest Baby on the Block…etc, etc. The books are full of stories of successes and lots of information, but they haven’t really made an impact on me. I want personal stories, from real life people- YOU.  I wanna know what worked for you!!!

PPS: Who’s bringing me a pie?

In the land of Mommy Blogs it’s the cool thing to do to write your babies a letter every month.

I am not nearly cool enough to do this, as I am constantly a day late and a dollar short, but I figure it’s better late than never, right?

So here I go…

My Sweetheart,

You are 8 months old and I can’t even believe it. In some ways it feels as if I just found out that you were blossoming in my womb, and in others I feel as if you have been in my arms forever…that you were always with me, even before you were born.  That God put me on this earth to marry your daddy and to be your mama and to do my very best to glorify Him with each precious day.  And ya know what?  That is enough for me.  The joy that I experience each day by living life with your daddy and you is more than I deserve.  I am so grateful for you both.

With each passing day, our bond grows stronger baby.  You are certainly a mama’s girl and I couldn’t be happier about that.  I will never grow tired of you reaching for me, wrapping your little arms around my neck and holding on for dear life, and when I put you down, you cry until I pick you up again.  I am thrilled to be “your person.”  I hope that I can always be a safe place for you to come and allow me to hold you when you are scared, tired and feeling insecure.

We are having a few sleep issues these days, aren’t we?  I confess that if it were up to me, you would sleep in bed with your daddy and me ’til you turn 45 (but that’s were we draw the line.  At 45 years old you need to sleep on a mattress on the floor beside our bed).  But unfortunately, at some point you are going to have to learn to sleep in your crib without me picking you up all night long and eventually bringing you in bed and snuggling with you all night…but not yet.  We’re not ready yet are we baby?  Maybe soon…maybe not.  We’ll see. For now we are both loving our snuggles throughout the night.  I’m treasuring every morning with you as you wake up to brave the day.  You wake up slowly and gently. You bury your fluffy blond hair into my chest and kiss me.  You smile as you look into my eyes and I smile right back.

You are growing and developing so rapidly that it’s overwhelming.  You are a master crawler now.  You’ve been at it for a month and you are fast and efficient about getting what you want.  You’re also pulling up, which just about gives me a heart attack.  With each tumble I try and catch you, I’m not ready to let you fall and learn on your own.  I want to buy you a helmet and pads like a football player but your daddy won’t let me!  I just want to bundle you up and protect you from this world, but I know that isn’t what I’m called to do as your mommy….but again, I’m just not ready for you to grow so quickly. I’m hoping that together we can figure out a way for you to thrive and we can teach my heart how to catch up.  It will be an adventure for us both.

You also waved “Hi” last night.  You may as well have won the Noble Peace Prize we all went so bananas.  Daddy, Me, Gammy and Pa were there to see it and we all cheered and waved and clapped our hands.  We will always cheer you on little one.  You are so loved by so many. In fact, I think you are the most loved little person in the whole wide world.

But ya know what?  No one, and I mean no one in this whole wide big beautiful world, except God loves you more than me.  Nobody.  You are my sweet baby girl and you’ve got me wrapped around your perfect little finger.

Love you forever and ever,

Mama

This is my girl at 4:00am. Being all cute and precious.

Ya know how some mommy’s are die hard schedulers?   They have perfect little tiny humans who know exactly when they are supposed to take a nap and when mommy lays them down and they smile, lay on their backs (NOT the dreaded belly), and drift off to dreamland where they sleep peacefully for 2 hours without a peep.

Bedtime is equally pleasant.  They are laid down in their cribs awake and they put themselves to sleep and stay there sleeping for 12 hours straight.

Ya know those people, right?

Well, I’m not one of ‘em.

Nope, not all.

As it turns out, I’ve never been much for schedules. I’m a bit too free spirited for that.  So, when 7 million people told me that babies love schedules I gave it a shot with my Bitzy when she was around 3 months old.

It went a little something like this…

Mama: “Okay honey bunny, it’s time for a nap. I’m going to lay you down and you’re going to sleep for 2 hours straight.”

Baby: “WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAA” (screams that made all my hair stand on end and made tears burn my eyes).

Mama: “Come on baby, let’s give it a shot. Everyone says that schedules are best.  Work with me here.”

Baby: “WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAA” (louder screams that totally cracked the Great Wall of China).

Mama: “Please baby, it’s for the best.  Don’t make me pick you up, everyone said not to pick you up, but just to stand here and let you cry. Be easy on me, I can’t let you cry, so please oh please just go to sleep.”

Baby: “WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAA” (the loudest screams that have ever come out of a baby in the history of the world, I think they actually shook the core of the earth).

Mama:  ”Okey Dokey.  The end.  We’re done.”

So, I picked her up and declared that she was much too young for to cry it out and I held her tight and cried right along with her.  Then we both collapsed in the corner of the couch and sleep peacefully for (you guessed it) 2 hours.

Since then, she naps in my arms about 99% of the time, and I love it.  I absolutely do not regret spending endless hours cuddled up with my girly, but I do know that all good things must come to an end.

I want to work toward her napping in the crib at least part of the time and not waking up 2, 3, 4, or 5 times a night.

The tricky thing about this is that she has never ever been a good sleeper. Not ever. So it’s tough to consider that there may be a few tears before she learns to sleep through the night.

So, the past 2 nights Zach has been in charge of letting her cry a little…not me.  Never, never, me. I just can’t hack it.  In fact, last night at 4:00am she woke up, wide awake and ready to party. After all of Zach’s work with letting her cry, what did I do? I picked her up, feed, her, and rocked her.  Finally after 45 minutes of her just staring in my eyes as if to say, “You know I’m not going back to sleep right?” I caved and brought her in the bed with us…and miraculously she went right to sleep in my arms.

I’m so torn on this because I know that she has to learn to sleep on her own, but yet, she’s only little a little while.  I cherish our nighttime snuggles.

So I suppose this is to be continued as there is absolutely no end in sight, however, I would love to know your little stories about how to sleep train a child who is the sweetest most adorable little person in the world to you.

Teach me!!!!

It’s 1:33am and I’m awake.  Why you ask?

Well, I can’t blame it on the baby.  My perfect child has been asleep since 7:30pm, thank you very much.

It’s because I’m an idiot/moron/dumbo.  Why can’t I sleep when the baby sleeps???  She’ll be up any minute to feed and then again in a few hours and then again and again.  Her longest stretch of sleep is the one that I’m throwing away now like it’s nothing.  And I wonder why I’m so exhausted all the time.

Dumb ole me.

Actually, maybe she’s not so innocent.  After all, she is the one who trained me for 8 weeks to stay up all night and sleep all day.  That’s right.

Maybe I should go wake her up to play with me and keep me company, as a punishment for all those weeks of sleepless nights.

Nah, I’m not that stupid.  Stupid, but not that stupid.