Above you see the face of a failure.

A big ole fat failure.

A tired, mascara raccoon eyed failure.

But, oh, the glorious taste of the fizz.

I missed it so.

That’s right. I fell off the wagon. I then, ran away from the wagon to the nearest Speedway station and got a “Big Chill” of Diet Coke and I never turned back.

When I tasted the yummy, fizzy, zestiness of my long lost friend Diet Coke, I choked back a few tears and calmly said, “Welcome Back Old Friend.”

Then, I broke the world record on sucking down a 32 ounce beverage.

BAM!

Don’t hate. I made it almost 2 weeks.

This, my friends is worth celebrating.

Can I still have my party with icing and show tunes?

Pretty please with Milk Duds on top?

I gotta tell ya, I’m glad to be back and not regretful at all.

Clearly, I’m not ready to totally quit, right?

Is that the mantra that heroin addicts say?

Oh well, I’m an addict through and through.

Maybe next month…

Til then, bring on the Diet Dr. Pepper.

Woo-Hoo!

Notice the tummy area. Gross, eh? Do you think that's just extra Diet Coke swimming around? Surely it's not just a big ole flat tire belly. Right?

As we have determined by the literal pounds of candy I have consumed over the course of my life, I’m a sugar addict.

There is really nothing more to say at this point, I’m addicted and I don’t see that changing- ever.

However, sugar has a nemesis that puts on the cloak of sugary goodness but can’t compete with the real thing.

A fake.

A poser.

A sham.

An imitation.

A completely and utterly addictive substance that in turn has made me: Completely addicted.

Now, as if being a sugar addict isn’t enough, I’m also seemingly addicted to aspartame, the fake impostor of my boyfriend sugar.

As if you didn’t already know, I’m talking specifically about diet soda.

Diet Coke, Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Lemonade, Diet this and Diet that: I love it all.

I’ve read article upon article about the negative effects of aspartame. The infamous “they” make it seem like it’s cancer in a plastic bottle, so I get all freaked out and then I stop drinking it. I shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I meet that they’re gonna DIE if they drink the heart attack in a cup.

Then, I fall off the wagon and become addicted yet again.

Inevitably, the guilt comes and I stop.

And so we go around and round.

I’m not arrogant enough to say that I’m done for good, but I will tell you that starting today, I’m going cold turkey. It will be a modern miracle if I make it, but it’s worth a shot right?

If I stay clean for a month can I have a big party to celebrate? Can we have be vats of icing and sing show tunes? It’s my perfect party.

Think anyone would come?

Probably not.

Nobody gets me.

In other news, many moons ago I gave up Diet Crack Coke and dropped 10 pounds in 3 weeks. I mean, what’s in the stuff???  That’s my question. You’d think about that miraculous weight loss I never woulda gone back, but alas, I did.

Maybe I’ll lose more weight with this little trick. Goodness knows that my WW adventures are getting tougher and tougher (not to worry, I’m writing a Weight Watcher little story that will be published later this week, thankyouverymuch).

So who’s with me? I know we can do it friends…Come on….Show me some love!

PS: For your viewing pleasure below is a picture of me wanting to “Make The Grade” with Diet Dr. Pepper. Is that great or what?

PPS: I love the World Wide Web.

I had 9 Weight Watcher points for lunch.  9 beautiful sugary points of dessert.  No real food.  No fruit, veggies, bread or meat.  Just sugar. And it was glorious. Who needs real food?  I could totally live on desserts and ice cream forever. Couldn’t you?

Is it just me, or is 98% of this blog about food?

I confess, I love food.

For the first time ever today I became very annoyed with Target. But don’t worry, I’m over it now.  Target said it was sorry and I forgave him.  (Why is Target a boy?)

Every other person I know in the world is pregnant or just had a yummy bit of goodness baby.  What does this mean? Recession?  Peer Pressure? Jobless? Boredom?  Why in the world does it make me want to be pregnant?  Peer pressure for sure. That answers that question.  Well, and that babies are the number one most awesome thing in the whole.wide.world (other than Jesus and husbands of course).

Bitzy seriously gets cuter from one moment to the next.  Is this possible you ask?  Yes. A resounding yes. I’ve experienced this.  She’ll kiss me with a big wet slobbery kiss, crawl away like she’s in a mad rush to get somewhere extremely important, spin around on her tush, then flash me the cutest little toothy smile and confirm, yet again, that she gets cuter by the millisecond.  Seriously.

All I can think about are cucumbers (lie).

All I can think about are Milk Duds (truth).

I confess that I not only write about food constantly, but I think about it constantly. Is that healthy?  Probably not.  But neither is eating 78 boxes of Milk Duds per year and Lord knows that I could care less about how healthy that is.  So, whatever.

I wish that I had super kinky curly hair that looked amazing without me ever touching it.

This morning in a meeting for work I burst out laughing thinking about something hilarious that Zach said this weekend.  It was completely and totally off the topic of discussion and it just popped in my head like lightening.  Being married to him is like going to the Carnival everyday…always funny, never boring and full of rat tails and airbrushed t-shirts.

Actually Zach doesn’t have a rat tail or an airbrushed t-shirt.  Oh well, you get my point. Or do you? What is my point?

I’m feeling particular random today, can’t you tell?

Anyway, happy Monday!

Day at the Zoo! All sweaty and stuff.

Well friends, my love/hate relationship with Weight Watchers continues.

Missed it? Read about it here, here, and here.

As you know, I’ve been trudging myself to WW since March 1st in honor of my ” Baby Weight Be Gone Campaign.”  Since then we’ve taken a vacation to Colorado and one to the Beach (note my “Fry” escapades). That said, I haven’t exactly followed the program perfectly (shocker), but I’ve done fairly well considering my sugar addiction.

Luckily, I’ve basically kicked my candy habit and I focus solely on Weight Watcher desserts to curb my need for sweets.  They are actually quite excellent…I mean, they aren’t exactly Milk Duds, but they’ll do in a pinch.

So, are you ready for the big beautiful news of how much I’ve lost?????  Am I keeping you in suspense????  I hate when people keep me in suspense!!!!

36 pounds.

Sure, it’s not like I’m wearing a size 2, but let’s face it, if I’m ever a size 2 I’ll be in the hospital on a feeding tube.  My bones wouldn’t even fit into a size 2 and I’m OK with that.

I’m currently wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans and I feel really great.  I’m proud that I’ve lost the weight and I feel like myself again.

But, here’s the thing, as you probably know, losing weight is 98% mental. I’ve only been in “weight loss” mode twice in my life.  It takes a lot to get in the zone, so I figure, while I’m here I’m gonna stay.

It wouldn’t kill me to lose another 20 or 30 pounds before I get knocked up again anyway:).

The bad news is that now the weight is hanging on tight.  Technically I’ve lost an average for 2 lbs. per week, but the weight has definitely slowed down as I’ve got less and less to lose.

But honestly, I’ll take what I can get.

Unfortunately, riding the wave of WW momentum isn’t going to last forever, I fear that I am actually going to have to consistently work out in order to lose more weight.

So, I’m hoping to either walk or Shred at least 5 days a week.  Doable?  We’ll see.

Anyone have any awesome low-fat recipes that you’d like to share?  Any great weight loss stories to keep everyone motivated???  Do tell!  I need all the help that I can get!

Love to all,

M

The WW saga continues.

I wish I could tell you how gloriously beautiful my “Baby Weight Be Gone Campaign” has been. How I grow my own food and only eat organically. How I have given up sugar all together. How I always eat within my points every day and how I think WW is extremely easy and makes me glowingly happy with each passing moment.

But that would be a BFL (big fat lie).

Ironically, I am generally happy everyday, but it has absolutely nothing to do with WW.

You see, I just so happen to be married to the love of my life and have the worlds cutest baby in my arms…that’s why I’m so darn blissful.

Told Ya She's The Cutest Baby Ever.

But that’s a whole other Oprah.

Back to WW.

If you’re new here, you can read Part One and Two of my WW adventures in order to catch up.

Thing is, eating well is tough. Really tough.  There are just too many amazing things to eat these days.  If you ever think that eating healthy is easy, please do not pass go and walk into a Cracker Barrel.

Ah the smells of chicken fried chicken, mashed potatoes, soup, pancakes, butter, butter and more butter.

Yummy, yummy, yummy. You're Very Own Heart Attack on a Plate.

I totally just gained a pound thinking about the glory of Cracker Barrel.

Eating well is certainly not easy and eating within your WW points is pretty hard too.  You have to be choosy about how you spend your precious points every day.

One of the things I love about WW is that you have to be very intentional about every bite that goes into your mouth.

There is none of this, I’ll have a bite of this here and a bite of that there. Every single solitary taste must be counted…which can be super annoying to be sure.

Sometimes I wish I were on the Atkins diet where you eat Bacon for breakfast, Cheeseburgers for lunch and Steak for dinner.  Ummm…I love meat.  I could totally do that diet for about 3 days…then I would find the nearest cupcake shop and stick my head into a vat of icing and finish off every last bite.

A “no-sugar diet” just doesn’t work for the likes of me.

That’s one reason that WW and me jive so well. It puts up with my sugar binges and forgives me time after time and promises that tomorrow will be better. WW is incredibly forgiving for a tried and true sugar addict in case you were wondering.

So, the latest stat is that I’ve lost 27 pounds in 10 weeks.

Not bad for a mountain girl who can smell the fudge that is being stirred by an old lady 89 miles from here…ummm sugar and me are brothers from another mother.

Wait, not brothers…I mean sisters.  Ah, you get the idea.  I love sugar and sugar loves me.

So, that’s the scoop so far.

My pre-pregnancy jeans do “fit” (as in I can button and zip them), however they aren’t quite as loose as they once were, so I’m guessing I have another 5-15 pounds to lose before I’m at my pre-Bitzy weight. (Remember that I have no idea how much I weigh, how much I gained during pregnancy or how much more I have to lose.  My jeans are my only scale…I close my eyes at WW.  I just can’t bear to know the forbidden numbers).

But I figure, what the heck?  I’m in the WW zone, I may as well lose more.  So, I’m gonna try and keep losing…we’ll see how it goes.  Maybe I’ll lose more weight and Jennifer Hudson and I can go on tour together.  We could do our WW photo shoots and then I could sing back up in her band.

Oh what fun we’ll have.

I will require big hair though.  Really, really, really big hair.

Like Dolly Parton.

I love this.

Those are my requirements, go ahead and draw it up in my contract.

Anyway, I’ll keep you posted on our tour dates and on my love affair with WW.

(I know you’ll be waiting with baited breath).

Love to all…

My number one pet peeve of all time is WHEN PEOPLE TYPE IN ALL CAPS.  I DON’T KNOW WHY IT DRIVES ME SO CRAZY, IT JUST DOES. Is it so hard to use the shift key people?

I am proud of my husband for all of the little awards he gets while playing Call of Duty.  He’s fighting the terrorists after all (or some 7 year old in Wisconsin- but whatever).

Pitiful.

Yesterday my Weight Watcher points consisted of eating Weight Watchers Carmel’s, Weight Watchers ice cream, and Weight Watchers muffins.  Who needs meat or veggies when you can have sugary diet food?  I should be the poster child on how you can still eat an all sugar diet and lose weight.  It’s remarkable really.

In all of my bad dreams I can’t scream when the bad people are chasing me.  Any dream interpreters out there? Am I nuts or what?

My nighttime routine of face washing has gone from a 4 step program (before Bitzy) of cleanser, toner, eye cream and moisturizer to me using a baby wipe (if I’m lucky) as I fall into bed.   This my friends sums up what motherhood is like.  My question is, since my routine has so drastically changed, what happens when I have 2, 3, or 4 kids?  Will I cease to wash my face, will I just rub my cheeks against the sheets at night hoping to get the grime off, or will I just rub in all the slobber that  builds up from sweet baby kisses and hope for the best?  Dire straits people, dire straits.

I want to kick Jesse James in the head.  Is that wrong?

My Bitzy will begin eating “real”solid foods in the next few weeks and I’m a wreck (like squash, apples, etc). Here’s why:

1.) I’m making all of her baby food and it makes me nervous.

2.) This means that she’s not a tiny baby anymore.  First solids and then she’s driving.  It’s a slippery slope.

3.) Now it’s super easy to feed her on the go (seeing as how I just attach her to me).  Solids seem like a lot of work.  So much packing and whatnot.  Would it be weird if I just nursed her forever?

Speaking of, tonight during our bedtime feeding, I imagined not nursing her and I began to cry.  I honestly cannot imagine stopping. Call me nuts, but it’s going to be extremely difficult for me to ween myself from her. Is 7 really too old?  Really?

I actually like doing laundry.

I love hairspray. In fact, I don’t want to live in a world without it.  My hairspray of choice is Aussie.  That’s right, $3.99 and I’m good to go for weeks. For those of you who don’t use it, you should. It will make your world a happier place and your hair will thank you.

I have a favorite pair of flip flops that are totally falling apart and look ratty, but yet I still save them and wear them for “special occasions.”  While it may look like I’m wearing my ghetto shoes to dinner, it’s really a glorious occasion for them to be allowed out of the closet.  They are on death row and anytime they are released from their cell could be their “last supper.”

I am sorta scared of the dark.  I attribute this entirely to the movie, “The Ring.”  That movie creeped me out in a way that is completely uncalled for in a grown woman.  To this day, if I turn out the lights and leave the room and it’s pitch black I think about that little girl in the chair.  Ah, it sends shivers up my spine.  Creepiest movie ever.

Now I’m going to have nightmares.

Thanks a lot.

Finally, Daisy and Lily are back from a sabbatical at their Lolly & Pops.  They’ve been home for 24 hours and I don’t hate them yet.  Maybe it has something to do with this development…

If she loves 'em, so do I.

Any confessions that you’d like to share with me, dear readers?  Do you secretly hate your dogs but can’t break it to your husband?  Are there some days that all you eat is sugar (please say yes), Confess away my friends…

As you know, I am a candyaholic.  Even when I’m not eating candy, I’m thinking about it. I love the taste, texture and sensation.

Some people are addicted to drugs.  Some alcohol.  Some shopping…Me?  I’m addicted to candy.

Even on my Weight Watchers adventures I still allocate plenty of points toward my true love: sugar. And ya know what? Even when it’s 11:00am and I’m all out of points and I’m destined to eat lettuce for the rest of the day, I don’t regret it. Every last Milk Dud was worth it.

In honor of my delicious life partner (candy), I’m dedicating this blog to some of my favorites.

Back to Milk Duds- They are possibly my favorite candy of all time.

A few years ago when I temporarily lost my mind and ran the Triple Crown (a series of 3 races, a 5K, 10K and 10 miler) and then I stupidly topped it off with a half marathon, I ate a box of these a day.  And I wondered why I didn’t lose weight. Note the nutrition facts in one serving, 170 Calories.  Guess how many servings I had every single day???  6!!!!  A day!  That’s right, I ate 6 servings a day, for a whopping 1020 calories.  Did I mention that I ate them daily.  Plus all the other crap I was eating.  Do I regret it?  NO!  These luscious little creatures melt in my mouth and the taste lingers.  Ah, Milk Duds, I love you so.  I will always treasure our time together during training for those horrible races. Always.

My candy addiction isn’t limited to chocolate.  While I LOVE chocolate and am I true fan, I love good old fashion sugary treats as well and many times I will choose pure sugar over chocolate. One of my favorites candy of the past are BB Bats.  These delicious little sticks of delight are hard to find these days, so when I find them I simply must buy as many as possible and (not shockingly) devour them in minutes.  You know the routine.  ”Wow, I haven’t seen BB Bats in forever.  I should get enough to last for a few months.  I should get, say, at least 50.”  Fast forward 3 hours.  ”My tummy hurts.  Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten 50 BB Bats.”  Seriously people, I have a problem.

Next on my list of candy loves is cookie dough/cake batter/brownie batter.  Basically any kind of pre-baked substance that could potential give me Salmonella (among other various food poisoning disasters). I love it all.

Can you see the delectable bowl of cookie dough and the creaminess of yellow cake batter dancing in your head? Forget sugarplums, I need cake batter and pronto.  I am 99% sure that I could eat an unfathomable amount and lick the bowl clean.  No kidding.  The boundaries of my batter eating ventures are endless.

One of the only foods I craved during pregnancy was, of course, batter/dough/Salmonella in a bowl.  The husband would get so mad at me for eating the batter when I baked sweets for people (let’s face it, I was baking it for them just so I could eat the batter.  I’m a horrible person).

The good news?  I’m fine. Bitzy’s fine.  The bad news?  There is absolutely NO WAY to count WW points for cake/brownie batter. So I’m currently on a batter hiatus.  Will I ever go back?  I think you know the answer to that.

Onward to York Peppermint Patties.  Such pristine packaging isn’t?  It makes me feel like I’ve achieved something great with every bite.  Plus, it’s a “healthier” choice than let’s say, a tub of frosting, so it’s a victory when I eat one.  Or 30, but who’s counting?

Now onto the big leagues. Fudge.  Some of you haters say, “Fudge is too rich.”  What does that even mean? Too rich? You’re pansies. Every single one of you. I LOVE FUDGE. While I’m not into the nutty variety, I love it. Specifically the plain jane chocolate and peanut butter.

And ya know the best place to purchase good old fashion fudge?  You know it- Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  The home of all things unhealthy and delicious.  If I had a dollar for every piece of fudge I have eaten while walking the streets of Gatlinburg I’d be rich.  However, I’m happy to report that rather than money I just have the pounds to prove it.  Such is life.

Now for the drum-roll…the food that separates true sugar lovers from casual sugar observers:

Icing.

I could write a book about all the different varieties of icing. This term: “icing” assumes that all icing is created equally.  Um, no. Not a chance. While I love store bought tub frosting (just not the chocolate, I HATE the tub chocolate believe it or not), homemade frosting is where it’s at.  The bad news is you actually see the culmination of all things unhealthy that icing is made out of. Note: If you’ve never made homemade icing, please don’t. Just assume that it’s made out of apples and oranges. Please. I beg you. Never learn what this heavenly stuff is made out of. But let’s focus on the positive.  When you encounter a good frosting what’s the point in eating the cake.  There is no point.  Forget the cake people.  Just eat the icing.  You won’t regret, I know that I never have.

So, for now, there’s some insight on how a candyaholic spends her days…restlessly wondering where the next bit of candy will come from.

It always comes.  Always.  Thank you Lord for candy.

One of my favs.

PS:  One of my favorite books of all time is dedicated to the love of candy…and it’s hilarious.  She’s a woman after my own heart  In fact, I think she was channeling me when she wrote this book. Maybe you should read it.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world.

For my 28th birthday these were my desserts...that's right. My friends get me.

Salt lovers and Sugar lovers.

I am 100% unquestionably a sugar lover.

You can have the potato chips, dip, crackers, actually you can have every other kind of food in the whole wide world, just give me sugar.

And fruit.

I really like fruit…probably because there is sugar in it.

And the bad news about sugar is that I have no stopping reflex.  Normal people think, “I’ve had 2 cookies, that’s plenty” or “I had 3 Reese cups, I wouldn’t want to make myself sick” or “No, I shouldn’t eat sugar, I’m breastfeeding and I should eat spinach and brussel sprouts.”

Not me, I think “Wow, since I think I’m going to vomit, maybe I should stop eating these cookies”or ”I’m breastfeeding, maybe I should eat something besides chocolate today” or “Since these Milk Duds were a gift I should finish them.  I wouldn’t want to be rude.”

Ridiculous.

And you know the people with big bowls of candy on their desk?  They’re all skinny.  Skinny people can look at candy all day long and not gorge themselves on it.

I promise that if I had a bowl of candy on my desk I would gain 10 pounds in a week.

No question.

The saddest news is that as I sit on the couch and stare at Gracie, I think about how I simply must get this baby weight off as I’m eating milk chocolate chips.

I annoy myself.